In between five to ten second conversations with whoever is going through the lobby, playing on the timesuck that is facebook and watching tidbits of family guy while I laugh to myself like a crazy person; there are moments when I look out the window and have deep thoughts. Thoughts about life, the meaning thereof, and how to be a better person while I am here on earth being the boss of the lobby.
After a rough couple of years in my personal life including losing my Mom to cancer, having two huge fights and breaking up with two very close friends that I had known for over ten years, financial issues, burnout, weight gain, and no love life, I decided that maybe therapy was a good choice. Due to the financial issues, I decided to take the money I had been using for my yoga classes and put that towards therapy for however many sessions it took to get me back on track, get me happy and moving forward in my life again. It has been a little over four months now and last night's report, even after a pretty rough day, what that I was doing just fine. So that's good...
What is going through my mind these days, when I stare out the window at the snowy day and contemplate my life in this snow globe moment, is keeping the balance between all the things I learned in yoga and therapy. They appear to me to be two completely different ways of living a life. In therapy, I report what has happened, I keep a journal of my dreams and of course, listen to what the therapist has to say or sometimes just cry or figure stuff out, you know, depending on the day - sometimes I even do all of those things. Because the goal of therapy, especially according to Jung is individuation.
"Individuation is a process of transformation whereby the personal and collective unconscious is brought into consciousness (by means of dreams, active imagination or free association to take some examples) to be assimilated into the whole personality. It is a completely natural process necessary for the integration of the psyche to take place. Individuation has a holistic healing effect on the person, both mentally and physically. Besides achieving physical and mental health, people who have advanced towards individuation tend to be harmonious, mature and responsible. They embody humane values such as freedom and justice and have a good understanding about the workings of human nature and the universe."
Yoga takes a different approach. It's about going in, going deep, but with your heart and your breathing, not with your brain. The moments in those poses that are the most difficult are the times when "we must remember that we are not our bodies, we are spiritual beings in a human form" we are told to resist the temptation to give in to the ego, to the story. Of course, this is the time when the inner monologue, for better or worse, is turned up to "11". The tape that has recorded all the "I'm no good at this, I'm too fat for this, that girl is SO SKINNY, that girl is SUCH A BITCH, HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?, what am I going to eat for dinner? Should I even eat dinner? When the hell is this pose going to end?" with practice, our yoga teaches us to let go, release ourselves to the pose, surrender the story to the science of pigeon or warrior or even savasana and turn the dial down to a good 5 or even 3 and sometimes, when you least expect it and when you really aren't trying, it turns off. These moments are few and far between, but it is these moments that you learn to strive for when you are balanced in tree, or holding onto your leg in dancer's pose.
Since it's been a week from when I began this entry until now, I have had time to contemplate a third option. As you can see from earlier entries, I made a commitment to volunteering when I began this writing process. I have since been to the food bank at least once a month since I started this blog and it has been great for me. The reason I wanted to volunteer was because I knew it would get me out of the house, out of my head, and thinking about people other than myself'; being grateful is a huge windshield wiper for your brain when it's clouded by self-pity. I had the time, the energy and the willingness to do so and it was about time since the last time I did it was probably sometime in high school (not counting all of my theatre work, that was more like a labor of love). Last week, I decided to go to the Chabad website, just out of curiosity to see what Judaism has to say about the 'ego' and true to form, the directions were to do a mitzvah. A divine command as communicated in the Torah. Doing a good deed takes us outside of ourselves and reminds us that we are here for one purpose and one purpose only, to be of service, to G.d and to our fellow humans, not for some great reward in the afterlife, but to make the world a better place now, while we are here.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
it's not you, it's me.
I have a good friend at work, she is my stop. That one person you can go to when the day is just crappy and you know they will not only understand, but will help you reframe your problem so it doesn't seem like a problem anymore, but something you can actually handle. She has been having some boundary issues with a co-worker, he doesn't seem to understand them, and it has been getting worse as the time has passed, as problems are wont to do, in an effort to be solved, I suppose.
So she came downstairs and we talked it out. I told her she may just have to tell him to leave her alone. I came up with a couple different options of things to do or say, we went a little off the handle, ahhhh comic relief.
1. No thank you.
2. Listen, I like to go downstairs by myself, I'm sure you understand, just need a moment to be alone.
3. I'm going to have some girl time with the boss of the lobby, no boys allowed.
4. I need to call my hubby, talk to you next time.
5. No, you smell funny.
6. Look, stop following me.
7. Ignore him when he follows you outside. Just ignore him. (this one worked, by the way, but he stuck around to listen to our conversation - not totally effective).
8. No! Punch to the head No! Kick in the groin No! Poke eyes out No! Rabbit punch
9. Take the urn at the end of her desk, bring it down on his head as hard as you can, and then say "Anyone else want to come out for a cigarrette with me?"
10. Bite me.
Although some of these choices are quite violent and also absurd, there is something to be said for following your imagination as far as it will go. Especially for folks like us who have a hard time saying no and wanting to be nice to others even to the point of our discomfort/resentment. The fact of the matter is, they obviously don't get the hint and they don't care about our feelings, so we need to watch out for ourselves. That is what these tests are for. If we were guys, it would simply be a matter of saying something gross or insulting the other man's manlyhood and the guy would just go away. Maybe that would be another option? How is saying something like that any less annoying than the person you dislike following you everywhere?
So she came downstairs and we talked it out. I told her she may just have to tell him to leave her alone. I came up with a couple different options of things to do or say, we went a little off the handle, ahhhh comic relief.
1. No thank you.
2. Listen, I like to go downstairs by myself, I'm sure you understand, just need a moment to be alone.
3. I'm going to have some girl time with the boss of the lobby, no boys allowed.
4. I need to call my hubby, talk to you next time.
5. No, you smell funny.
6. Look, stop following me.
7. Ignore him when he follows you outside. Just ignore him. (this one worked, by the way, but he stuck around to listen to our conversation - not totally effective).
8. No! Punch to the head No! Kick in the groin No! Poke eyes out No! Rabbit punch
9. Take the urn at the end of her desk, bring it down on his head as hard as you can, and then say "Anyone else want to come out for a cigarrette with me?"
10. Bite me.
Although some of these choices are quite violent and also absurd, there is something to be said for following your imagination as far as it will go. Especially for folks like us who have a hard time saying no and wanting to be nice to others even to the point of our discomfort/resentment. The fact of the matter is, they obviously don't get the hint and they don't care about our feelings, so we need to watch out for ourselves. That is what these tests are for. If we were guys, it would simply be a matter of saying something gross or insulting the other man's manlyhood and the guy would just go away. Maybe that would be another option? How is saying something like that any less annoying than the person you dislike following you everywhere?
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