Complicated Grief is Complicated

My second therapy appointment goes something like this:

I want to just download everything I have to say onto a disk and hand it to her. She says "So how are you today?" and then, since I tell her "Do you know how many times I have to answer that question in a day? Everyday? I'm so used to lying to that question, I tell her - and we know each other so well and the formality can be lifted when appropriate, she says "Actually, I'm supposed to say "So, what brings you here today?" I give her a look, there may be a raised eyebrow in that look, there may be a micro-expression of contempt - micro-contempt? Then she says "How do you feel today?"

The freaking dam breaks open. The tears, the snot, the sharp....inhales...and the talking...when....you can't.....breathe....because you are crying so hard you...just.....lose your breath and.....ahhhhhhhhhhhh - blow your nose. This Kleenex is awesome. Ahhh therapy.

During all this mishigas the lovely therapist calmly and quietly says "do you want me to talk for a while?" and I nodded my head and blew my nose again.

I think what you are experiencing, considering how close you and your Mother were, and all of the other events surrounding her death, including the death of your Grandmother and the other losses of friendships, including the dynamic realationship with your sister is Complicated grief.

When is grief NOT complicated.

The definition reads like this (I combined a couple): Also known as: Prolonged Grief, Delayed Grief, Complicated Mourning, Complicated Bereavement. For some people, though, this normal grief reaction becomes much more complicated, painful and debilitating, or what's known as complicated grief. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble accepting the death and resuming your own life. Researchers are beginning to pay more attention to complicated grief because of the serious toll it can exact — possibly leading to depression and thoughts of suicide. Researchers have even developed a new treatment that may help people with complicated grief come to terms with their loss and reclaim a sense of joy and peace.

I think that this is truly impossible. From my personal experiences over this past year and three months. The stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) that are so linearly described in all the textbooks and WebMD's do not (and not just for me, but for so many other people I have spoken with who have lost a parent or close loved one at different times in their lives) happen in a nice, orderly fashion. No no no, my friends.

The best way I can describe it is like those equalizers on stereos - the green lights that go up and down to reflect the different parts of the song, sometimes over a month, a week, even some days anger is way up, depression is down, and they forgot to add this, but laughter. Because you do laugh, even though you never think you will be able to again, even though you think your heart is missing and buried deep under the sea, there is laughter.