September 1, 2009

THE POWER OF THE FEMININE
Ask yourself: as a child, who saw you? Who heard you? Was there anyone with whom you could be totally yourself and to whom you could trust your heart responses and speak your soul responses? Someone who made you think, Gosh, I am somebody. They’re happy that I’m here.

And I thought of Mom each time, and before I reached the end of this little segment started to cry, not too much, I’m at work and at the front desk, but man oh man….what happens when that person dies? Do you just have to keep telling yourself that they are still there, just not there, like I have been for the past year and 3 months? Is that why people get married and have babies to be able to feel like those people are there for them after the original goes away or failed to do so?
I am in some physical pain today and I don’t know if it’s the depression that is settling in or if it’s just the way I sleep. I had no dreams to remember last night, just drank until I passed out after watching Anthony Bourdain and talking to Sister. I’m afraid of being depressed, I’m afraid of going there, just going there all the way and not being able to get out of bed for anything and really really getting very very fat fat and losing even more of this J’e ne se quoi that used to bubble up from within me from when I was a tiny tot. Are my childhood dreams still valid? When I think of all the things I used to want to do as a child, be a Solid Gold Dancer, be Donna Summer, be Glenn Close - does that mean I wanted to be a triple threat performer or just wanted to be those ladies because they are fabulous? I ask myself, what do I want to do now that I’m an adult? Do I still want to dance, sing and act? Do I believe like I used to that I really can? Or do I leave those dreams behind, face reality and assess the glorious skills I have attained throughout my life to carve out a place for myself in this workforce of humans?

And just this afternoon, one of the guys came by to just ask how I was and what I was doing. I am currently in the middle of O magazine, reading snipets from amazing women doing amazing things when I am at a point in my life where I don't feel very amazing at all, I must say. So the conversation leads to what we love to do and what we just are able to do and I show off by saying that I wrote and performed a one-woman show and have been published (so what if it was in High School, I was still published! ;) and he tells me, he has the nerve to tell me to start a blog.

So I did. And here I am, doing the one thing that I have been doing this whole time, but this time putting it out there for all of you in internet land to read. Some of you know who I am, who the people are that I talk about, but most of you don't and I'm okay with that. I'm not going to use names, but I am going to write what you said - because even though you may not think so, even though you think you are the only person doing this thing or that - you will find that you are not.