to breathe life into...

I had an idea of what I was going to write about, but then I read my friend's blog and she posed some questions and so I thought - what a great opportunity!

Here were her questions:

1) "What is it you want to inspire within someone in your life?"
This question made me think automatically of my sister. Maybe it's because I was here four years before her. Or maybe it's because I was told my whole life to "teach her to be nice, to behave, to share, etc." because I was supposed to 'know better' as my Mom said. Now we are both older, living our own lives, doing our own things. Often my judgements of her include that she is not friendly, she is super-judgemental, dismissing a person or experience after just one meeting or attempt, and because she thinks she is right all the time, she refuses to apologize or acknowledge that anyone else but her could possibly have the right answer. Ironically, in my attempts to be a Zen master flash and inspire her, I sometimes end up sounding like a self-righteous, overly sensitive, needy whiney baby and wondering "What the hell just happened? Why is she BEING like this? What did I do to deserve to be spoken to like THAT?" And in an instant, I am what I dreaded becoming. Meanwhile, she has detached, gone to her room to watch tv, tells me to leave her alone and gets on the phone with her friend to make plans for that night without another thought about what just happened. Who's the Zen master now, huh? Who's inspiring who?

2) "Are you being an example of what people aspire to be or what they aspire to NOT be?"
I think whether I like it or not, there are times when I do both of these things. In my attempts to be humerous and have a light outlook on life, to be an example of what I think is an exemplary human, I have said things that have hurt people a lot. My brutal honesty, although well meant and given with loving intention, or just as a joke and with no intention at all, is not always taken the way I planned. Here I am thinking "Don't they want the truth about this guy or that girl? Don't they understand that the choices they are making are simply keeping them in this kooky cycle of kooky-ness?" or even being totally oblivious to what kind of an effect my words might have - and it totally backfires. Then there are those times, when I am with my dear friends, and I end up crying because I've talked my way over an emotional landmine that I had no idea was there and they tell me "You are amazing, you are so willing and ready to accept your feelings and let them go, you inspire me, I can't do that" and there I am, blowing my nose, crying and making some silly joke to try to lighten up the mood, embarrassed because I feel like an emotional shipwreck and they are impressed.

I guess there is just no way of knowing. I take every day as it comes, living as honestly and authentically as I possibly can. Treating people the way I want to be treated, loving every living thing in this world, because it is just as much a part of me as I am a part of it, leading with my heart, feeling with all of my soul, understanding that we are all tiny little reflections of the divine light...