the flying wallenda

i had a dream last night that i was at some kind of fair or large group gathering where i paid a lot of money (no amount was ever said) to have my turn at the trapeze. i was so excited and looking forward to it very very much. i kept trying to get in line, but there were so many people surrounding the base of the ladder that i was not able to push my way through. i saw people going on the trapeze that had not paid and had not trained with us that morning. by the time it was my turn, i looked up and all the staff people were making their way down and the trapeze was being hung up. i spoke with the man who was in charge and said that i had not had a turn and he said it was time to go. i was so angry. i told him i paid a lot of money and saw a lot of people go up that had not been there with us that day. he indicated to all the people around us and said how am i supposed to control this? the only thing i can control is when we go close and we're closing. i asked please please, i even got angry and said you are going to be so screwed. i did not get to go up there and i paid a lot and so now that i'm screwed you're gonna be screwed, too!! i made my way up the stairs angrily. i went into a little store and tried to steal something, but there was nothing there worth stealing. the blonde lady from the back came up and then did a cartwheel and went to the back. i realized that maybe she was trying to tell me she was watching me from back there and kind of daring me to take something. i left the store with my bag of tibetan flags and fabrics, i made my way back down the stairs, but my bag got pulled out of my hand and my stuff fell out, i turned around on the crowded stairs and screamed and screamed "those are my things!! my bag! that's my stuff!!! no one could hear me. i was going against the whole crowd, up the large stone stairs, screaming and crying and trying to get my stuff. then it starts to kind of rain.

next scene in the parking lot. a guy from work is there. there is a lot of flirtation, but no follow through (this is typical of our daytime routine). we are at the bar and he is getting loaded. i am not. we leave together, and have a moment where our lips almost touch and our faces are very close, but he doesn't make the move. i pull away. we go to our cars, he walks me to mine, i ask him how is he feeling? and he said "loose" and then i ask him how his....relationship is and he says "what?" and then i just say are you still going out with your girlfriend? and he says yes, she's fine. we get to my car and i realize i don't have my purse, it's either in his car or at the bar! oh shit! all the way back by the bar. i kind of panic and tell him we have to go back to get it. so we do. we check his car first and it's there. oh good.

woke up twice last night, can't help but think about Dad and wondering why my sister has not texted or called (even though i know why). wondering what i would do if he did decide to exit. hoping he did not, but going over the details in my head, nonetheless. how fucking morbid is that? what is that exercise all about? i mean down to what i would wear to the service, what i would do with the cat and my apartment, what i would do with the stuff, how would we deal with our evil aunt? Would she leave us alone finally or take this as her opportunity to just destroy what little we have left. would we invite her to the house? would we even talk to her? would we be fighting in front of the lawyers? would I tell my sister to shut the fuck up and let me listen, taking notes about all the accounts, changing my accounts because that financial planning lady is no good anymore. my mind is reeling. my soul is tired.