Happy New Year, Indeed!

I'm in a head cold state of mind, the Allegra is kind of working, the shower was hot, then it was cold, and all I can think of now is that I have to call the service guys to come out again next week to look at it. Ah, home ownership. I am so delighted to have such a lovely place to call home, and I gotta tell you, peeps, sometimes, when the car seat breaks and the water heater is not heating and you know you are going to have to spend at least two grand to get them back to where they were, it's times like these that I would not mind selling everything and moving to India.


I feel like I have to confess. I feel like I have to say something to make my previous posts not sound so whiny and ungrateful; but at the minute I think I want to erase them, I realize that that would be going against the point of the blog in the first place. This is a thought repository. We all know that thoughts and especially feelings (or is it feelings and especially thoughts?) are fleeting at best. These things that I decide to write and publish, they are how I am feeling in the moment. I am trying to be as honest as I can without hurting any one's feelings, but you know what I realized again today? I have no control over that. I can only do my best to edit these things to have them make sense, and goodness knows that by writing I hope to come to some conclusion on all of this wonderful crazy ass thing we call life, but in the end, it's just a blog on the Internet machine. Hopefully one that will be picked up by HBO for a new show, my friend has already cast actress Rosie Perez to play me and I have cast Laura San Giacomo to play her and Mahogany Jones to play, well, Mahogany Jones.

I have been struggling with my ability to say no and especially the guilt that I mentally rack myself with when I do. What the hell? Saying you can't go to dinner or lunch or whatever because you do not feel well is not a federal crime punishable by law. It's not like I'm denying someone a kidney, I just don't feel well and don't want to go. Or even if I was feeling better, why would I make myself feel awful for changing my mind? What is this neurosis? What is it called when you think something so minimal matters so much and what is the Catholic guilt drama complex that follows all about? Hmmmm...is that just being human or do I have a special thing going on? Why do I care? Why do I feel that these choices are such a detriment to my integrity and why am I taking myself so freaking seriously? WTF?

I have been thinking a lot about my career (again, there is some guilt there-the voice of my inner taskmaster dictates "do better, be better, do more, make more") and have been asking around to friends what they think I would be good at. I have gotten some great responses and have been moving forward with small steps to make some big things happen. I sometimes feel guilty looking for a job in this economy - as if someone out there were to say "Hey lady, you have a job, let the rest of us get a job first and then you can worry about being happy in your eight to five, huh?" But who is to say that by staying where I am, I am not preventing someone from having the opportunity to move forward in their lives? Perhaps by making an effort to market my inherent skills, I can organically migrate in a new direction and become more and more the woman I want to be a la famous and fabulous clothing designer Dianevon Furstenberg:

"I didn't really know what I wanted to do, but I knew the woman I wanted to become. Fashion was absolutely an accident in my life as a result of that I was becoming independent and I was becoming more and more the woman I wanted to become."

I will explore my options and be patient. I will keep my eyes peeled for that happy accident, that sign, that smoke signal from Mt. Olympus. If all of that doesn't work, then I am going to stick to the best advice I have ever gotten - live your way into the answer...