b still.

I like having a project at work. Doing a project makes the day go by faster, gives me focus, and also makes me feel useful and give me something to contribute to the work conversation. Because even though everyone always says in a mocking tone that I have the best job (this usually happens when I'm reading Vogue and eating breakfast) I know deep down that they are really quite happy to have me do it because it means someone else has to be happy and smiling and nice all the time - yes, even to the stupid/mean people, especially to the stupid/mean people. I have taken on even more responsibility and hopefully this will pay off at the time of my review.
I got home today and was a little down, thinking about my bank account and worrying over money again. Then I come home, to my much quieter home now that kitty is gone, and I hear that still, small voice in the back of my head whisper "Don't panic, things are okay, you are going to be okay, you will see, everything will come out just fine, just take a deep breath and be still." It works. I have no idea what this voice is. Mom? Grandma? Grandpa? Is it a trick my mind is playing on me to keep me from having a total freak out session? Is this mental health on board or some crazy delusion?
Am I doing the right thing? Where is my compass? Where is my sign? Could someone please just tell me what the fuck to do?! That would be GREAT. Yes, based on your knowledge of the future and all of it's possible outcomes, I would like some advice, Universe...hello? hello?
Then I look up and I'm at my job, I'm standing in the hallway with a cup of coffee, I can feel my spanx hugging me, I feel my cute little shoes underneath my feet, I toussle my hair and take a deep breath and a sip of coffee so it doesn't spill on me or the carpet and I take a good look at the EXIT sign above the door - see, there is always a way out, anywhere you go, there's always a way to just change your mind and go somewhere else. Sometimes there are more logistics involved. Like selling everything and moving to India is a lot more involved then just changing into my pajamas and going to watch public television in the den, but still it's a different choice, an EXIT from my present state of mind. A way to keep the fear of the unknown at bay and to let the "monkey mind" go back into its cage where it can relax and have a banana.

Deeper Dive

It has been quite a while since I have written an entry, so much has happened since then, here are some highlights...
1) On April 3rd I had to have my cat put to sleep - she had suffered kidney failure and instead of turning my house into Kitty Hospice, I asked the kitty what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to go to the big sushi bar in the sky. I thanked her so very much for being the best kitty puss puss in the world and watched as they gave her a shot and her tiny little green eyes closed for the last time. Then, the very next hour, I found out that my friend had a baby boy. I made it to the hospital the next day to hold him and be with their family, it was a delight. Nothing like a day old baby to bring some light and hope into the world.
2) The yearly ride that I volunteer for is all geared up and ready to go tomorrow. I am the captain of the team that takes care of a tent at the top of the hill for the riders to stop, enjoy and pick up a popsicle - we encourage them, give them water and gatorade and joke around about spandex - it's all good and it's all in costume! Our theme this year is ROCKY - we were inspired by the scene in the original where he triumphantly climbs the stairs as our tent is at the top of a hill. Very excited about tomorrow, should be a gorgeous day in the hill country...
3) Another step in the journey towards financial independence, decided to freeze my gym membership (bye bye kickboxing :( and no more brow waxes - time to take my tweezers into my own hands since my stupid property taxes went up - good thing is, I didn't realize I had this kind of discipline inside of me - except when it comes to that new frozen yogurt place down the street - those bastards.
4) I love our public television channel - just when I was ready to give up on my farm share, I see FOOD, INC. again and EARTH DAYS: AMERICAN EXPERIENCE - amazing. Makes me want to MOVE TO A FARM and garden naked like the hippies in the movie - too bad gardening is so, well, dirty and sweaty, also, that's A LOT of sunscreen.
5) I burned my first DVD with my new computer and feel like I am part of the future for a second. I burn a movie based on the French book Le scaphandre et le papillon - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - I don't care that it's in French with no subtitles, I read them the first time and the language is so beautiful, it's just lovely to watch and listen...another cool thing is that I saw that movie - one about a man who uses only his eye to write a book, then I saw Broken Embraces - a man who is blind who writes a movie...
6)Have been catching up with friends from the past, one from high school and one from college, people I haven't seen in 12-18 years, reconnecting on facebook and finding that people do change, they may seem the same, but we all grow, we all learn, we all connect to each other in different times in our lives for our souls to "check in" and fill in the blanks of those questions forgotten (what seems like) so very long ago...I wonder what it will feel like to come across someone when I'm 50? or if I run into someone when I'm 70? Who will it be? What will we talk about? What answers will be revealed?

Put in a helpdesk ticket

"Could you tell Mother Nature to hurry it up with the pollen distribution?" He said as he began to climb the stairs. I asked if he wanted me to call right now and he said yes. So I picked up the phone and said "Hello? ...Yes...I would like to put in a request to expedite the pollen distribution in our area...yes...okay, put in a help desk ticket? Okay, thanks". Then I hung up the phone and called to him as he had reached the top of the stairs and his destination and I told him to put in a help desk ticket to the Nature Board. He laughed, and I said, "See, I follow up."
It's little conversations like this that happen every day that make being the Boss of the Lobby so fun. Earlier today, with someone who usually ignores me, I decided to say Hi and just get over myself. She said Hi back and asked me how I was doing, of course I told her I was doing well, or fine, or whatever recording I have on today with a smile and she, surprisingly mind you because she never speaks to me or says anything to me unless she needs something, she says "I bet you have to answer that question a lot everyday, even when you are grumpy and have to lie, huh?" I didn't answer - she was already in the elevator.
It's true. Even when I have a weekend like the one I just had. Friday was pretty low key, I got home and was getting my jammies on and then the cat got sick and didn't get better. Not at all. The vet recommended I put her to sleep. I relied on his experience and did not protest. He told me what the other option was, performing the equivalent of dialysis on a daily basis, for however long it might take until she passes. Then I remembered a guy in the lobby of the vet clinic earlier in that morning. He came in to buy food for their dog he and his wife call "the living dead." He continued on by explaining that the dog had been diagnosed with cancer two years ago, but was still alive, albeit thin and not very active, and so the nickname followed. He sounded like he was trying to say "Look, it's not my choice to keep this dog around, I wanted to put him out of his misery years ago, but my wife won't let me." Okay, Buddy, whatever you say.
How do people do that? How do they live with themselves when the animal that has been there for them for the length of it's life is ready to move on and they won't allow him to? I was not equipped nor did I have any desire to turn my house into Kitty Hospice. I stayed with the Kitty for the whole thing. When we were waiting for them to bring in the needle, I thanked her and hugged and kissed her and told her she was the best Kitty Puss Puss ever and I was so lucky to have had the pleasure of having her in my life and taking care of her. I apologized for any pain I caused her and for all the times I called her a little shit when she wouldn't let me brush her (she was a fabulous white and silver Persian).
I went home after that and put all her stuff away. I felt guilty and worried and had to remind myself that I was not going to forget her, I just had to put her things away so that I would not be so very very sad knowing she was not going to be using them everyday. I still look at those spots and feel sad, though.
A little while after that, my friend sent me a text that their new baby boy had arrived. I got an email notification as well. I could not bring myself to go to the hospital that day. That day had to the be the day that I said goodbye to the Kitty Puss Puss. I made myself something to eat because it was already one in the afternoon and I had taken the Kitty in at eight that morning so I was pretty hungry. Then I made some phone calls to let the people that were closest to me know what had happened. I watched the movies I had rented, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Broken Embraces (Los Abrazos Rotos). I made it to Blockbuster just in time to return them to the super cute guy that I rented them from.
The next day was better, got up, showered, and had some breakfast. I got myself to the hospital to greet the new boy baby to the world and was able to celebrate his very first day on earth (and learn a whole lot from the Lactation Consultant that happened to be there when I arrived). There is something so wonderful and perfect about holding a baby. All the love and divine energy that surrounds them is overwhelming in a good way. The hope and joy, the promise and gratitude that come with that little tiny person all swaddled in a blanket with hot pink, bright blue and chartreuse dinosaurs all over it. It really is an honor to be so close to the light as that.
After my friend told me about her day of giving birth and she asked me what I had done the day before I told her. We thought is was kind of strange that the boy showed up so soon after the Kitty left. I guess if he stars sleeping sixteen hours a day and really really enjoys salmon sushi, she can always put in a helpdesk ticket to Nature Board and see what happens.