b still.

I like having a project at work. Doing a project makes the day go by faster, gives me focus, and also makes me feel useful and give me something to contribute to the work conversation. Because even though everyone always says in a mocking tone that I have the best job (this usually happens when I'm reading Vogue and eating breakfast) I know deep down that they are really quite happy to have me do it because it means someone else has to be happy and smiling and nice all the time - yes, even to the stupid/mean people, especially to the stupid/mean people. I have taken on even more responsibility and hopefully this will pay off at the time of my review.
I got home today and was a little down, thinking about my bank account and worrying over money again. Then I come home, to my much quieter home now that kitty is gone, and I hear that still, small voice in the back of my head whisper "Don't panic, things are okay, you are going to be okay, you will see, everything will come out just fine, just take a deep breath and be still." It works. I have no idea what this voice is. Mom? Grandma? Grandpa? Is it a trick my mind is playing on me to keep me from having a total freak out session? Is this mental health on board or some crazy delusion?
Am I doing the right thing? Where is my compass? Where is my sign? Could someone please just tell me what the fuck to do?! That would be GREAT. Yes, based on your knowledge of the future and all of it's possible outcomes, I would like some advice, Universe...hello? hello?
Then I look up and I'm at my job, I'm standing in the hallway with a cup of coffee, I can feel my spanx hugging me, I feel my cute little shoes underneath my feet, I toussle my hair and take a deep breath and a sip of coffee so it doesn't spill on me or the carpet and I take a good look at the EXIT sign above the door - see, there is always a way out, anywhere you go, there's always a way to just change your mind and go somewhere else. Sometimes there are more logistics involved. Like selling everything and moving to India is a lot more involved then just changing into my pajamas and going to watch public television in the den, but still it's a different choice, an EXIT from my present state of mind. A way to keep the fear of the unknown at bay and to let the "monkey mind" go back into its cage where it can relax and have a banana.