space age love song

I went to my friend B's birthday party on Saturday and along with her husband, boys and me, there were two couples there, B's step sister and her boyfriend and a couple she used to work with. The lady of the couple is starting her own business based on her years of experience as a counselor to become a life coach that focuses on love and relationships. I found this out because after we were seated and had our drinks and stuff, the first question she asked me was "So, are you seeing anybody?" I very rarely get asked this question - maybe it's because most of my close friends know that aside from a few "one night adventures", I haven't had what one would call a "boyfriend" since my freshman year of college - that was a two week stint in boyfriendland in 1992, People. Not to say that I have not had relationships with men. Some of my very best friends have been guys and those guys still are. Otherwise I have been a free agent. Waiting for my Mr. Big moment, waiting for a guy who will just knock my socks off, hoping that I don't work with him and that he is not a total jerk. I don't think that these are huge requests of the Universe.

After S. asked me that question, a very strange thing occurred - some crazy Freudian nightmare of my entire love life since 1992 played itself out in my version of reality since I had the Ma Po Tofu (delish, btw, I highly recommend it!) at P.F. Chang's that night. Like a really bad teenage movie, the scenes began to unfold, one after the other. I was at work on Monday and a guy who used to work here called and since I hadn't talked to him in a while, we caught up. He asked me if I wanted to come over and since the last time we tried to hang out was unsuccessful (he invited me to some get rich quick scheme he's into, I didn't go) I figured I'd give it another shot, just to see what happened.

We fell right back into our flirtatious rapport, the kind that they always show in movies right before the big kiss in the rain (and yes, it was raining that night, HARD). I thought we were going to be alone (well, him and his dog) and it turned out that he's living with his brother (and his dog) and a friend - three guys, two dogs. After a delicious dinner, we got back to the apartment, it was dark, it was cool, the the guys were in their rooms, just doing what they do, the dogs were with them. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I agreed. We picked one and got on the couch, settled in. I thought that this was a primer, but boy, was I wrong. Here I was, in the dark, on the couch, ready to cuddle and he sat on the total opposite side, covered in a blanket, arms and legs crossed, slouched back in the sofa. Tuned out, shut off, except for random questions about how they mowed the lawn in those days (we were watching Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland) in turns out work had nothing to do with keeping us apart and even though this person is not even a good imaginary facebook friend, now he's asking me to come over every week because "he forgot how it was between us."

I should have known when he didn't text me his address after he invited me to come over, or when he laughed instead of responding after he saw the dogs come at me jumping and barking, or when he didn't ask me if I was seeing anyone (why would he ask if he didn't care?). It's not just him either. There is another guy that I have been friends with for about ten years now that I'm just not giving up on. When I saw he was single after a year, what was the first thing I did? I emailed him to go out. WTF? This guy has not called or even posted a message on so little as my facebook page in a year and the minute he breaks up with this girl, he's all attentive and ready to go. It's my fault. I worship them. I look at them like they hung the moon and they suck on my expectations and hope like a character on True Blood. Maybe it's all that Anne Rice I read in Jr. High?

I was the friend who became "The Breakup Whisperer". As an independent, strong, funny and intelligent friend, loyal to the death, able to see beyond the public displays of affection! They would come to my apartment from far and wide, sometimes from across the country. I didn't let it bother me that we had not hung out the whole year prior to that because of said scumbag, but now that he was out of the picture, it was time to get back to drinking wine and bitching about boys on my couch. This was my time. I would hug them and take them back in, as if they were back from a long, difficult journey, and a lot of times, my friends, they really were. I was there to tell them that they "Didn't need that guy, or any guy for that matter" to "Put it into perspective - who were you before you met that guy? How can you let one person change who you are at your core just because you slept with him for three months?" and hours and hours of listening to them talk about the sex, the crying, the fighting, the makeup sex...no no no, it's like I was living it with them, and to be honest, I think I was talking myself into it, also - even though deep down, yes, go ahead and say it, even though deep down all I wanted was for someone to cry, fight, and have makeup sex, someone to laugh and hold and kiss and hug and love so hard that maybe it even hurt a little - that maybe after three months I really couldn't imagine my life without him...

Does this explain why I have been staving off a long, difficult journey of my own? I can't help but wonder if seeing my Dad take care of my Mom for three years while she was dying of cancer made me think - will I ever find anyone who is willing to do this for me? Will I ever find anyone that I am willing to do this for? Is having a boyfriend like window shopping at Neiman's? I think to myself; sure the clothes are pretty, but once you try them on you realize they don't fit and they are way to fucking expensive and difficult to maintain, I think of Carrie Bradshaw at the end of Sex and the City - finale part deux....

"Well, maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love and I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris it's not your fault, it's my fault. I shouldn't have come here."