Resolutions...

Last night I had one of those dreams that you could only have at the end of the year. I was called into an office where this woman was sitting behind a desk. Her hair was all grown out long and she held out her arm as if to say "have a seat" so I did. I thought I was going in for a Reiki appointment; but it turns out I was, for lack of a better term, at an exit interview. We went over the past year and what had happened and why we lost touch, then a friend who I had a falling out with the year before came to pick me up for dinner! What the hell? Leave me alone already. This is one of those times that I wonder if I'm the one with the problem letting go or is it them? Am I being pulled on psychically or are they pulling me? Is it possible that on some other level, some alternate universe, we are still friends and hanging out all the time?

I awoke at my normal time, five freaking minutes before my alarm goes off, only to lie in the bed for a few more snoozes. Today at work is quiet and lovely. It was so nice to have those four days off. I went to a very merry poker Christmas party on Christmas Eve where everyone loved the appetizer I brought - herb coated goat cheese and home made crostini (and I loved them for loving it) and I flirted with a boy who took me waaay too seriously (if you can imagine that). Christmas Day I hung out with a few lesbian friends of mine, two of them are in a couple. The other one is not. I wonder if people think I am with her when we are out. I try not to think about it or give a shit; but it does cross my mind. Especially when people are staring at the other two making out or holding hands, I kinda want to be like - hello, these are my friends, and although I am accepting of their lifestyle and would love for them to be able to get married and such, I'm not a practicing muff diver and would you please, please ask me out on a date, you handsome, handsome man.

The next day was spent walking around a beautiful outdoor mall with fancy stores and my friend with her kiddo. Sunday was all about me. I was supposed to have plans with someone from work, but we've tried so many times to get together and it hasn't worked, I'm giving up - again, why force it? If someone wants to stay in that ring of your life, there is obviously a reason and it's silly to try to reel them in if they have lead weights on their feet. If all you want to do is talk to me at work, fine, but that's it. If you don't want to go to lunch, fine, I won't ask you, if you don't want to come over, just tell me. But don't come back to me in the next week and be all "we never do anything" because you know what? I'm over it. I'm not going to beg you to be friends with me.

Everyone seems a bit more calm and relieved now (except me, now that I'm reading this ;) that Santa is back up in the North pole where he belongs. New Year's Eve is just four days away. Four days. Un-freaking believable. The thing I'm most excited about next year is the new Sex and the City movie, but, like our first official day off, does not come until May - what's a girl to do?

things i really like.

I'm about to fall asleep reading an article in Psychology Today about Procrastination (I'll finish it later ;) and the lobby is so quiet....so....quiet. The loudest thing in here is my thoughts, first my reading voice, then that voice gets tired of the article so I stare out the window and think about what I want for dinner. I realize at this point that I'm not really hungry, I'm just bored and I should probably have my snack so that I don't eat the entire contents of my fridge when I get home. I have all the ingredients for the soup I've been wanting to make and I'll be damned if I stop to get a hamburger and derail myself.

The hallway is so quiet when I go to get my snack, everyone must be really busy as it is the last full week before the end of the year. Also, I think some of the guys quit smoking because they have been going out less today. I message my friend upstairs to see if she is coming down, but no response, so I decide to have my snack at my desk. I eat my banana and my little peanut butter snack bar, think about what the scale said on Saturday, then re-focus on the wonderful banana that I am consuming. That is part of the new way of thinking. I stop for a moment before I eat to bow my head and thank everyone who produced my food from the farm to the table, then I meditate on eating. Truly enjoying the moments of chewing and swallowing and taking the time to notice how my body feels before and after I have put the nutrients in my body. This doesn't happen every time, but when I remember, I do it.

I start to think about all the things I like in this world and challenge myself to a little game. A list, alphabetically, of nouns that I find delightful. Some letters are harder than others, because the first word that comes to mind is not always something I find truly delightful - applesauce, for instance, or appliances. I like applesauce, I appreciate appliances, but I don't really enjoy them and have a hard time imagining my world without them.

A - atmosphere
B - butter
C - cats
D - dharma
E - eggs
F - fried food
G - guides
H - Henry
I - ice cream
J - jack o'lanters
K - kickboxing
L - lovemaking
M - manicures
N - nonsense
O - ocean
P - people
Q - quality control
R - restaurants
S - service
T - timing
U - understanding
V - violins
W - water
X - X-Ray
Y - yoga
Z - zucchini

the flying wallenda

i had a dream last night that i was at some kind of fair or large group gathering where i paid a lot of money (no amount was ever said) to have my turn at the trapeze. i was so excited and looking forward to it very very much. i kept trying to get in line, but there were so many people surrounding the base of the ladder that i was not able to push my way through. i saw people going on the trapeze that had not paid and had not trained with us that morning. by the time it was my turn, i looked up and all the staff people were making their way down and the trapeze was being hung up. i spoke with the man who was in charge and said that i had not had a turn and he said it was time to go. i was so angry. i told him i paid a lot of money and saw a lot of people go up that had not been there with us that day. he indicated to all the people around us and said how am i supposed to control this? the only thing i can control is when we go close and we're closing. i asked please please, i even got angry and said you are going to be so screwed. i did not get to go up there and i paid a lot and so now that i'm screwed you're gonna be screwed, too!! i made my way up the stairs angrily. i went into a little store and tried to steal something, but there was nothing there worth stealing. the blonde lady from the back came up and then did a cartwheel and went to the back. i realized that maybe she was trying to tell me she was watching me from back there and kind of daring me to take something. i left the store with my bag of tibetan flags and fabrics, i made my way back down the stairs, but my bag got pulled out of my hand and my stuff fell out, i turned around on the crowded stairs and screamed and screamed "those are my things!! my bag! that's my stuff!!! no one could hear me. i was going against the whole crowd, up the large stone stairs, screaming and crying and trying to get my stuff. then it starts to kind of rain.

next scene in the parking lot. a guy from work is there. there is a lot of flirtation, but no follow through (this is typical of our daytime routine). we are at the bar and he is getting loaded. i am not. we leave together, and have a moment where our lips almost touch and our faces are very close, but he doesn't make the move. i pull away. we go to our cars, he walks me to mine, i ask him how is he feeling? and he said "loose" and then i ask him how his....relationship is and he says "what?" and then i just say are you still going out with your girlfriend? and he says yes, she's fine. we get to my car and i realize i don't have my purse, it's either in his car or at the bar! oh shit! all the way back by the bar. i kind of panic and tell him we have to go back to get it. so we do. we check his car first and it's there. oh good.

woke up twice last night, can't help but think about Dad and wondering why my sister has not texted or called (even though i know why). wondering what i would do if he did decide to exit. hoping he did not, but going over the details in my head, nonetheless. how fucking morbid is that? what is that exercise all about? i mean down to what i would wear to the service, what i would do with the cat and my apartment, what i would do with the stuff, how would we deal with our evil aunt? Would she leave us alone finally or take this as her opportunity to just destroy what little we have left. would we invite her to the house? would we even talk to her? would we be fighting in front of the lawyers? would I tell my sister to shut the fuck up and let me listen, taking notes about all the accounts, changing my accounts because that financial planning lady is no good anymore. my mind is reeling. my soul is tired.

No pictures, please.

Today is my very own birthday. The day has just flown past me. This morning I woke up and said a prayer of thanks for arriving to this very day. Since then it's been like one of those time-lapse photography moments on a nature show. Get dressed, go to work, grab some breakfast, get a free coffee, talking with co-workers on their smoke breaks, signing for a lunch order and the next thing you know it's 11am. Then I talk to my Dad and order my subscription to Vogue. Then it's my turn to go to lunch. My friend takes me to Macaroni Grill and we get some yummy bread and pasta. The waiter knows we are in a hurry and since I have been telling everyone that it's my birthday, he brings me my cake in a to-go container with a candle in it! How sweet! Another co-worker brings me some cupcakes and yet another brings me some flour less chocolate cake (oh my freaking G.d) and cheesecake that he bought to celebrate his birthday that already passed. I am channelling cake. YAY.

Turns out going home for the holidays was not as bad as I had feared it would be. I arrived early on Thursday and my Dad picked me up from the airport. We went back to the house and just chilled out the whole day. We watched episodes of House together and I had some cereal for breakfast. Thanksgiving dinner was lovely. We walked over to our neighbor's house, someone who actually used to live just up the street from me when I was growing up, and we were made to feel like a part of their family for the holiday. It was really great. The sisters of the hostess remembered my Mom and my aunt and were just so happy to sit and share some special memories with us. There is something very special about hearing those stories, it adds to the repetoire of my memories of this very special person and reminds me that I was not the only one effected by her passing. After dinner it was time to go over to Dad's new lady-friend's house. That was a little weird, to say the least. Both my Dad and I were nervous about going over there, each for our own reasons. My sister threatened to show up, but of course we both knew she would not. We arrived and were greeted by a young man taking out the trash. Then followed him inside (it's her nephew) and were immediately immersed in new lady-friend's family. Sisters and nephews and nieces and good old Mom. She is a trip, that lady. She kept repeating herself and different stories of things that had happened. I thought about that a lot. One of the daughters said something about it later in the night and I said "I think that her remembering is really not a bad thing - I would be more worried if she didn't remember." I think that's what must happen as you get older. You want to keep remembering your life, to confirm that it really happened. To have the people around you, that wacky group of people we call family, acknowledge just how much you have all been through together. I feel like that NOW, so I can imagine what it must be like to be in your 70's or 80's. I really liked her. She thought I was a Doll! Just a Dolly! (and exclaimed so many, many times :)

I would catch my Dad and his lady-friend being a little touchy feelie and it was, to say the least uncomfortable. A part of me is thinking "Where is my Mom? Did they get divorced? Where is she? Why isn't she here?" and then I remember why we are there, and who these people are, and what happened, and my heart sinks a little bit.

They were taking lots of pictures and I just tried to avoid them. I said I didn't like pictures. What I was really thinking was "I don't want any evidence that this happened in case this whole relationship thing doesn't work out". There, I said it. Seriously, though. This is like the third or fourth person my Dad has met and gone out with since the time was time and who knows how long it will last? You've never seen Beyonce and Jay-Z in a video together, right? It's like the video kiss of death for relationships. Just don't do it.

Who's to say that they won't go out for a year and then break up? I know they are all happy and honeymooney now, but you know, that part of the relationship is bound to end at some point and they are going to have to deal with the day to day shit that everyone else around them has to deal with. Or not. Who knows. Maybe they will moon over each other for the next 20 years. I dunno. It's hard to say at this point.

The next day I spent with Dad, we went to the outlet mall and just walked around and then Saturday I got my haircut as that has been my ritual. Dad and I looked for a new towel rack for his bathroom at three places (to no avail) then it was time for me to go, so he dropped me off at the airport. He figured he'd try the last place I recommended and found it there.

My sister and I got along better than normal, but then again, she was gone most of the time. That probably helped.