it's okay to be miserable, even if Haiti happens.

This morning I had a bit of a freak out on the phone with my dear friend that I haven't spoken to in a few weeks. I started the morning in a good mood, then took too personally someone who was rude so that put me in a bad mood, then I laughed with someone so I was in a good mood again. Then that group of kids came in from the marketing company and I was in a bad mood again (because I know they are 10 years younger than me, have a fraction of the experience and personality and are making probably 10 times more than me - that's my story, I'm sticking to it, just for now, though). Up and down, up and down, it is a beautiful day and for someone who has taken as much yoga as I have, I am really letting these crazy emotions get the better of me.

My life is flashing before my eyes. I see people around me working and going and doing. I am having a bit of a crisis. I vascillate between everything is fine, you have a house, a job, a kitty and clothes on your back, food in your fridge plus did you see what was happening in Haiti? and this job has served its purpose, it's time to move on, what's next? What do I do for the rest of my life? How will I ever support myself? Wat the hell am I still doing here? Why does it seem like everyone else around me has their shit together and I'm the only one going crazy with this existential crisis? Why do I compare myself to everyone? Why is it that when I see so very many possiblities, I just shut down instead of running head first into the great wide open? Am I scared? What could I possibly be scared of? The thing that scared me the most already happened.

I do a bit of research here and there, see more possibilites and get excited, but then nothing happens and so I tell myself it's not meant to be and give up again and again. Lauren Hutton was on Project Runway last night and her parting words to the models were "Just remember to work four times as hard as everyone else and you will make it!!" I dramatically fell back on my couch and exclaimed to my friend "Really??? FOUR TIMES? But I'm already sooooooo tired" and my friend, very busy mother of two said "Oh man, forget that noise." Then we laughed...

My friend on the phone is talking me down, I call it "petting the kitty" like you would do at the vet when it's about to get shots. She assured me that I don't have to make any rash decisions right now because I do have a job and I'm doing just fine, really. She assured me that I am loved and cared for and being cheered on by a team of fabulous and wonderful cheerleaders that include her and her girlfriend and the Universe. It's a matter of researching a bit at a time, a matter of listening to that still, small voice deep inside of you that quietly and calmly tells you the direction to point your sails. Pull back, try to see what is in front of you instead of standing and seeing the big picture. Patience is the key and no, you do not run the show, but you do have a very important part and it will reveal itself as the time passes. So don't get discouraged, don't fret and things will be just fine. You will be good at whatever you decide to do, once your energy is focused on the pinpoint of light you are to follow. You have indicated to the Universe that you are ready, the Universe is knitting you a sweater, sweaters take time to knit. Also, it's okay to be miserable, even though there are terrible things in the world, like what happened in Haiti, you have to keep things in perspective, my dear. I love you.

The marketing kids leave the building and I take a deep breath. Some guy comes down the stairs to interview a candidate, people start leaving in groups to go to lunch and the day continues just like every other day. I thank my friend profusely for talking me down from the proverbial ledge (the second one this morning, someone else talked me down earlier) and we made plans to have brunch on Sunday. Everything is going to be okay. These things take time.

free the giraffes.

Sunday night I had so many dreams and they were all mashed up like some crazy movie sequence where the drug addict is going through detox. The one part that really sticks out in my mind was the first lucid sequence where I was a zoo keeper in Haiti and I had to figure out how to save the animals and get them transported to another zoo. Absolute chaos surrounded me and all I could think of was, where is the tiger? Where are the elephants? Are they okay? How are we going to get them to another zoo? I wonder if it will be cleared up in dreamland tonight...


I found out in therapy last night that what I thought was an unreasonable dislike towards blondes in SUVs is actually not unprecedented. The discussion began because of a new friend at work and my suspicions of her wanting to be friends with me. The story I made up is that she is the captain of the cheerleading squad, I am a drama geek. Maybe I have been watching too much Glee? If you are an adult working in an office with men and women and there are more than 20 0f you, there is a good chance that the high school vibe will permeate at some point, right? I mean, it's just natural for groups to form and people to find their groups and stick to them. It's also easier for me to categorize people and remember them by the groups they are in. sales = cheerleaders/football team, developers = chess club, hr/accounting/tech = principal, administration, school nurse and so on. I made her a cheerleader. I already had some harbored anger towards blonde women driving SUVs and who else would that cheerleader be all grown up and so the distrust carries over. The story is that they have perfect lives with perfect children and husbands where all they have to do is cart the kiddies back and forth in their weekend warrior mobiles all the while making hair/facial/nail appointments (which is why they are on the phone every single time I see them) after working out with hot personal trainers for two hours everyday. Whether I am being courageous or obvious about my deep seeded jealousy for these fellow sisters, I do not know.

So I have dinner with her, I hang out with her and it turns out that we have so much more in common than I thought. We have both been through some pretty tough times these past few years. She is a real person with real problems and has been screwed over and hurt just as much as the next gal. Which is not to say that if she were the aforementioned lady that I would not be friends with her (or that she doesn't have a set of problems of her own) it's just that I wouldn't have a good chance of running into her all that often - okay, maybe at the salon. Then it occurred to me that maybe she wants to be friends with me because I am gorgeous, thin, smart and blonde, too! Okay, maybe I'm not, but obviously we are not in high school, I am a cool lady, and when it comes down to it, there are not a lot of women where I work, she is new, and she just wants someone to hang out with that will not a) hit on her and 2) be accepting and real - I can do that. I'm a pro. So the categories fade and the suspicion dissipates and then it just becomes to fabulous ladies, having some wine, talking about work and trying to get along in this big old world...

Organize Your Closet, Organize Your Life

Here is a speech I wrote for my Toastmaster's meeting today....

Good afternoon, everyone!

How many of you made a resolution in some form or another to “get organized” this year?

You will be happy to know that you are not alone. I googled the word “closet” and received about 45,500,000 results. The National Association of Professional Organizers deemed January National Get Organized Month and you can bet your Jimmy Choos that they are at your service should you need someone to come in and get your house in order for the year ahead.

When I signed up for this speech, I thought to myself “Perfect! I love to organize things!” I even wanted to join the National Association of Professional Organizers when I was between jobs at one point in my life. I have read books on Feng Shui and designed my living space according to those principals. Perhaps my interpretation is a bit too literal, and some of you may be wondering if I have been in secret contact with your spouses and or Mother’s over the holidays, but I think there is something to be said for the time and energy that can be conserved if you have a system in place in one of the most important, yet often neglected areas of the home.

Now some of you may make a case for the garage (leave it, it’s been 20 years, just sell it all when you sell the house) or the spare bedroom (forget it, they aren’t coming back to visit until Christmas, anyway) but I think the place to start is your very own closet in your very own room. This can be quite an overwhelming task, especially for those of you who have a spouse and/or kids that you share your house with. Perhaps you are single, but have been collecting things since Jr. High.

When you take the time to eliminate, categorize and streamline your things, you will find that you save time and money. There will be more space in your closet so that you can actually see what you own and maybe even find and use things you didn’t remember buying. When you are ready to shop, you can see what it is you are actually missing and spend less time at the store and less money buying things you don’t need because you will know exactly what you have already.

The first step is elimination. One of my favorite tips is to have a big shopping bag in your closet so that when you try something on and it doesn’t fit or is torn or just plain out of style, you can put it in the bag. Once all the bags are together at the end of the year or season, go through and determine what can be donated, what can be recycled and what needs to be thrown out.

Remember in kindergarten when everything was labeled and had its place? Try to think like that. Put like things together in groups by color or fabric or length or all three (like me!) You could arrange your clothes by material since Austin has two seasons HOT and fall. Be as specific or general as you like, but remember that the more organic and basic the setup, the easier it will be to maintain (especially for kiddos).

As far as streamlining goes, take a step back and think about how you like to get dressed in the morning. This will help you determine how you set up your closet. From shirts to shoes or vice versa, place the items in your closet next to each other in that order so that getting dressed is a breeze. Kids generally love to dress themselves and this will enable them to have their own setup and do their own thing in the morning while you do yours. Think how much easier it will be if you wash all the like items together then when they come out of the dryer, all you have to do is hang them up and put them in their sections.

If you make the effort, whether it is a weekend closet overhaul or a goal for 2010 – 2019, you will find that the time and energy you put into this space will be well worth it. Once you have eliminated the old and unfashionable, organized and streamlined what is left in your closet, you will find that tackling that garage or spare bedroom is not as difficult as you thought it might be. Then there will be space in your mind and your life for more good things to come.

Thank you!

Happy New Year, Indeed!

I'm in a head cold state of mind, the Allegra is kind of working, the shower was hot, then it was cold, and all I can think of now is that I have to call the service guys to come out again next week to look at it. Ah, home ownership. I am so delighted to have such a lovely place to call home, and I gotta tell you, peeps, sometimes, when the car seat breaks and the water heater is not heating and you know you are going to have to spend at least two grand to get them back to where they were, it's times like these that I would not mind selling everything and moving to India.


I feel like I have to confess. I feel like I have to say something to make my previous posts not sound so whiny and ungrateful; but at the minute I think I want to erase them, I realize that that would be going against the point of the blog in the first place. This is a thought repository. We all know that thoughts and especially feelings (or is it feelings and especially thoughts?) are fleeting at best. These things that I decide to write and publish, they are how I am feeling in the moment. I am trying to be as honest as I can without hurting any one's feelings, but you know what I realized again today? I have no control over that. I can only do my best to edit these things to have them make sense, and goodness knows that by writing I hope to come to some conclusion on all of this wonderful crazy ass thing we call life, but in the end, it's just a blog on the Internet machine. Hopefully one that will be picked up by HBO for a new show, my friend has already cast actress Rosie Perez to play me and I have cast Laura San Giacomo to play her and Mahogany Jones to play, well, Mahogany Jones.

I have been struggling with my ability to say no and especially the guilt that I mentally rack myself with when I do. What the hell? Saying you can't go to dinner or lunch or whatever because you do not feel well is not a federal crime punishable by law. It's not like I'm denying someone a kidney, I just don't feel well and don't want to go. Or even if I was feeling better, why would I make myself feel awful for changing my mind? What is this neurosis? What is it called when you think something so minimal matters so much and what is the Catholic guilt drama complex that follows all about? Hmmmm...is that just being human or do I have a special thing going on? Why do I care? Why do I feel that these choices are such a detriment to my integrity and why am I taking myself so freaking seriously? WTF?

I have been thinking a lot about my career (again, there is some guilt there-the voice of my inner taskmaster dictates "do better, be better, do more, make more") and have been asking around to friends what they think I would be good at. I have gotten some great responses and have been moving forward with small steps to make some big things happen. I sometimes feel guilty looking for a job in this economy - as if someone out there were to say "Hey lady, you have a job, let the rest of us get a job first and then you can worry about being happy in your eight to five, huh?" But who is to say that by staying where I am, I am not preventing someone from having the opportunity to move forward in their lives? Perhaps by making an effort to market my inherent skills, I can organically migrate in a new direction and become more and more the woman I want to be a la famous and fabulous clothing designer Dianevon Furstenberg:

"I didn't really know what I wanted to do, but I knew the woman I wanted to become. Fashion was absolutely an accident in my life as a result of that I was becoming independent and I was becoming more and more the woman I wanted to become."

I will explore my options and be patient. I will keep my eyes peeled for that happy accident, that sign, that smoke signal from Mt. Olympus. If all of that doesn't work, then I am going to stick to the best advice I have ever gotten - live your way into the answer...