it's okay to be miserable, even if Haiti happens.

This morning I had a bit of a freak out on the phone with my dear friend that I haven't spoken to in a few weeks. I started the morning in a good mood, then took too personally someone who was rude so that put me in a bad mood, then I laughed with someone so I was in a good mood again. Then that group of kids came in from the marketing company and I was in a bad mood again (because I know they are 10 years younger than me, have a fraction of the experience and personality and are making probably 10 times more than me - that's my story, I'm sticking to it, just for now, though). Up and down, up and down, it is a beautiful day and for someone who has taken as much yoga as I have, I am really letting these crazy emotions get the better of me.

My life is flashing before my eyes. I see people around me working and going and doing. I am having a bit of a crisis. I vascillate between everything is fine, you have a house, a job, a kitty and clothes on your back, food in your fridge plus did you see what was happening in Haiti? and this job has served its purpose, it's time to move on, what's next? What do I do for the rest of my life? How will I ever support myself? Wat the hell am I still doing here? Why does it seem like everyone else around me has their shit together and I'm the only one going crazy with this existential crisis? Why do I compare myself to everyone? Why is it that when I see so very many possiblities, I just shut down instead of running head first into the great wide open? Am I scared? What could I possibly be scared of? The thing that scared me the most already happened.

I do a bit of research here and there, see more possibilites and get excited, but then nothing happens and so I tell myself it's not meant to be and give up again and again. Lauren Hutton was on Project Runway last night and her parting words to the models were "Just remember to work four times as hard as everyone else and you will make it!!" I dramatically fell back on my couch and exclaimed to my friend "Really??? FOUR TIMES? But I'm already sooooooo tired" and my friend, very busy mother of two said "Oh man, forget that noise." Then we laughed...

My friend on the phone is talking me down, I call it "petting the kitty" like you would do at the vet when it's about to get shots. She assured me that I don't have to make any rash decisions right now because I do have a job and I'm doing just fine, really. She assured me that I am loved and cared for and being cheered on by a team of fabulous and wonderful cheerleaders that include her and her girlfriend and the Universe. It's a matter of researching a bit at a time, a matter of listening to that still, small voice deep inside of you that quietly and calmly tells you the direction to point your sails. Pull back, try to see what is in front of you instead of standing and seeing the big picture. Patience is the key and no, you do not run the show, but you do have a very important part and it will reveal itself as the time passes. So don't get discouraged, don't fret and things will be just fine. You will be good at whatever you decide to do, once your energy is focused on the pinpoint of light you are to follow. You have indicated to the Universe that you are ready, the Universe is knitting you a sweater, sweaters take time to knit. Also, it's okay to be miserable, even though there are terrible things in the world, like what happened in Haiti, you have to keep things in perspective, my dear. I love you.

The marketing kids leave the building and I take a deep breath. Some guy comes down the stairs to interview a candidate, people start leaving in groups to go to lunch and the day continues just like every other day. I thank my friend profusely for talking me down from the proverbial ledge (the second one this morning, someone else talked me down earlier) and we made plans to have brunch on Sunday. Everything is going to be okay. These things take time.