Unfolding...

Friday after work, I felt all of a sudden like all my energy had been sucked out. I almost did not go to the happy hour I promised my ex-boss I would go to, but something told me to take a quick nap, freshen up, and GO TO THAT HAPPY HOUR. Okay, Okay, I thought to myself, I'll go. I had a small slice of pizza that was leftover from the night before, just so I wouldn't eat my arm, and made my way downtown. The happy hour was...interesting....I ran into someone who I really don't remember. He reminded me so much of a friend of mine from theatre, and it turns out that is how we knew each other, and I spent a lot of time at the beginning of our conversation trying to figure out if he was gay or straight (he did mention a few dates with girls, so I'm going to say straight) and some of the rest of the conversation on whether or not he was flirting with me (too much wine to tell). I met some other folks there, but mostly stuck to this person, we were having a great conversation and I just didn't migrate too much. People tended to come up to us and join in our conversation because we were laughing a lot, and they were also trying to figure out if he was gay or straight (I told them I didn't know and asked what they thought). I have to admit, I was not being a very good networker. I had set my intention to meet as many people there as possible and maybe get a lead on the whole marketing/writing world, it's just not how the evening went. Oh well - next time I will do what 'they' say - excuse myself and go meet more people!

The next morning, I went back to the salon for my haircut. I ended up getting a mini-facial for bringing in canned food for a food drive they are doing and also a light eye treatment and hand massage - so nice :) Afterwards, I decided to just hang out on SoCo for a while. I went to Jo's and got myself a turbo - their delightfully sweet coffee drink. Then I made my way up the street to the parking lot where Austin Pet's Alive!, Crepe Mille, Mad Cakes and a few little jewelry stands live. The dogs were not out yet and I was hungry, I found myself being pulled toward the crepe menu and noticed that half were savory and half were sweet. One in particular caught my eye, the panang thai curry. I was feeling quite adventurous and decided to get that one with tofu for breakfast. The crepe was light and fluffy, the tofu was soft and yummy, there were sliced carrots and it was all awash in a fantastic, just spicy enough curry/coconut milk sauce. OMG, people, so freaking good. It was big, too and the man brought it right out to me. By the time I was done, the doggies were out and I got to visit with them, observe them, feel their energy. There was one in particular who was kinda barky and jumpy, but so very cute. I bought a mini lemon zest bundt cake from the cake lady and now that all my cash was gone, it was time to go.

Saturday night was the volunteer gig at the Oktoberfest where the music was great and the crowd was a blast to watch. My volunteer partner wasn't very talkative and so the time didn't go by as quickly as I had anticipated, but it was a gorgeous day and a pleasure to be outside. Once the gig was over, I made my way up to my friend's new house. It is just beautiful. It's hard to listen to her describe it because she is so caught up in her story of how she wants things to be and what she thinks is wrong with the place instead of how lovely the house IS and how wonderful it is to be in the place that she is at NOW. I must admit It's hard for me to listen to her and not want to shake her violently. She says she doesn't like to brag, but she doesn't even sound happy to be there (although she said she was, so I have to believe her). The night ended with her husband and I dancing to Michael Jackson videos - lots of fun, I think we may have an act! ;)

Sunday I took breakfast up to another friend (this is a guy from work) who just bought a new house. We had our breakfast tacos and I helped him unpack some of his decorative stuff. He wanted me to help him put it up, but his hammer and nails were still packed and the man doesn't have a coffee table, so we agreed it was time to make a trip to IKEA - another time. Last night was my first yoga class in a few months and it went surprisingly well, then my girlfriends and I went for Mexican food at El Arroyo. Once we were done trying to teach one of the girls how to shake her hips like Shakira (to no avail) it was time to go home for a shower and Mad Men - it was so freaking good I watched it again, I cried even.

The whole weekend was about unfolding, unpacking, unwinding, uncoiling and unravelling. Sometimes I get so tied up in my life, my ego, my routine that weekends like this remind me that I can always make a different choice to open my eyes to the newness of an experience like eating breakfast, or going to a public event or sweating with my friends in a yoga class.

My Sundays belong to Don Draper.

This weekend was a blast! I went to volunteer at the Capitol Area Food Bank on Saturday morning. Our motley crew was made up of a few people doing their community service, a church group of singles (that I was invited to join :), a group of accountants and later a group of kids, but they were in a separate room doing other stuff. I spent the time with my table partner writing up lables for the food boxes that were being checked, sorted and weighed for storage. I'm excited for the Oktoberfest Austin next weekend, and I look forward to continuing to help them out on a regular basis. What I learned from this experience is that I am truly blessed to be able to choose to volunteer and to be grateful that I have the time, energy and willingness to be a part of something bigger than myself.

Sunday I was of service as well, I gave my friend her monthly massage/reiki session. This darling woman has been my client since I was in school five years ago. It's our monthly appointment to catch up with each other, make up some funny songs like we do, and laugh at trash tv - oh yeah, and there's the massage part, too. I think the benefits of massage carry over to the practitioner as well. I always feel more relaxed and at ease when I am done working on someone. It's a combination of the touch, the reiki and the look on their faces when I am done - it's really wonderful and I'm so glad that I am able to provide this service to those I know and love.

Once our session was over, I went over to another friend's house that I haven't seen in a while. We had a chance to catch up and do a full hour trade on each other. It's amazing how much tension I have been storing just in my shoulders and gluteous maximus. Sitting today is kind of uncomfortable, because ironically enough, I was so used to the tension that now that I'm all relaxed, my clothes fit a little differently and I don't fit in the chair the same way. During the lyphatic clearing portion of my session, I could feel the energy moving all over, tingling and rushing throughout my system as if it had been trapped there for months (and it probably had been). There has been so much emotional upheaval that I think my system, although efficient and magnificent in all it's glory, was a bit overwhelmed.

I got a little lost going home, I was so loopy from the trade, I missed my exit, but once I got there, I was able to do some more laundry and watch Mad Men, which is my perfect end to a fantastic weekend. Mmmmmmmmmmm....Don Draper.

liquidation indeed

This week's mail brought with it a metaphorical nudge that I have been waiting for. I have been talking, to some folks and to myself, about volunteering for a long while now. Thinking that the problems I am experiencing right now would just disappear, or at least be put into perspective, if I could get myself to help out someone who was experiencing a far more harsh reality or just put my need to help people all the time to some good use.

I got two pledge letters, one for the Capitol Area Food Bank and a flyer for the Austin Jewish Book Fair. I don't know what came over me, but I followed through this time. I emailed both organizations and signed up to volunteer for their events. When I looked at my calendar, I realized that they also coincided with the Susan G. Komen race for the cure. Must be volunteer time in my world. I'm excited. I'm looking forward to helping out, meeting new people and having some new experiences.

This was probably prompted by my earlier revelation of my designated issue. A few "backup issues" came forward for solos when my diva issue took a five. Money. WTF. I have never ever had problems with money before. For those of you that are close to me, you know why, for those of you who are not, you can probably guess. Now that I am an adult human being, and after the past few years of emotional and financial loss in my family; I am realizing that although my childhood was blessed, very very blessed, there is something to be said for learning to work for the things that your little heart desires. Now I am at a point where I am having to make those kinds of decisions to take care of myself because they are the right decisions to make, not the easy ones. Just this realization has opened my eyes to a whole realm of control I have over my life that I just didn't take the time to acknowledge before. I'm reading Suze Orman's website, I'm learning about taking control of my money, I'm feeling better with every new choice I make.

The other issue is communication. When my mom was alive, she was the one I would talk to. Sometimes every night, sometimes two or three times a day, depending on what was going on in my life. My mom navigated, translated and disseminated the information in our little family foursome. I would talk to her and ask how Dad and Sister were doing, not ever really talking to them, but always asking about them, and it was the same for all of us, it even extended to my Grandma and Aunt, distant cousins and friends of the family - my mom was the switchboard - and I think she really loved it. When she got really sick, my Dad kind of became the switchboard; but he hates talking on the phone, so you can imagine. The switchboard room was shut down, they went to an automated system, please leave your message after the tone. I miss that the most, talking to my mom, I just took her name out of my contacts in Outlook, it's been over a year and a half. This has forced us to talk to each other, the three of us and I'm realizing, especially now that the business is being liquidated, our communication issues are also being liquidated.

As I read over my entry I realize that my volunteer choices are related to the crown (books, brainy stuff), heart (breast cancer fundraiser) and root chakras (food and money). Maybe by being of service in these areas, my soul will open and stretch to the lessons that I know are being offered....maybe....stay tuned....

to breathe life into...

I had an idea of what I was going to write about, but then I read my friend's blog and she posed some questions and so I thought - what a great opportunity!

Here were her questions:

1) "What is it you want to inspire within someone in your life?"
This question made me think automatically of my sister. Maybe it's because I was here four years before her. Or maybe it's because I was told my whole life to "teach her to be nice, to behave, to share, etc." because I was supposed to 'know better' as my Mom said. Now we are both older, living our own lives, doing our own things. Often my judgements of her include that she is not friendly, she is super-judgemental, dismissing a person or experience after just one meeting or attempt, and because she thinks she is right all the time, she refuses to apologize or acknowledge that anyone else but her could possibly have the right answer. Ironically, in my attempts to be a Zen master flash and inspire her, I sometimes end up sounding like a self-righteous, overly sensitive, needy whiney baby and wondering "What the hell just happened? Why is she BEING like this? What did I do to deserve to be spoken to like THAT?" And in an instant, I am what I dreaded becoming. Meanwhile, she has detached, gone to her room to watch tv, tells me to leave her alone and gets on the phone with her friend to make plans for that night without another thought about what just happened. Who's the Zen master now, huh? Who's inspiring who?

2) "Are you being an example of what people aspire to be or what they aspire to NOT be?"
I think whether I like it or not, there are times when I do both of these things. In my attempts to be humerous and have a light outlook on life, to be an example of what I think is an exemplary human, I have said things that have hurt people a lot. My brutal honesty, although well meant and given with loving intention, or just as a joke and with no intention at all, is not always taken the way I planned. Here I am thinking "Don't they want the truth about this guy or that girl? Don't they understand that the choices they are making are simply keeping them in this kooky cycle of kooky-ness?" or even being totally oblivious to what kind of an effect my words might have - and it totally backfires. Then there are those times, when I am with my dear friends, and I end up crying because I've talked my way over an emotional landmine that I had no idea was there and they tell me "You are amazing, you are so willing and ready to accept your feelings and let them go, you inspire me, I can't do that" and there I am, blowing my nose, crying and making some silly joke to try to lighten up the mood, embarrassed because I feel like an emotional shipwreck and they are impressed.

I guess there is just no way of knowing. I take every day as it comes, living as honestly and authentically as I possibly can. Treating people the way I want to be treated, loving every living thing in this world, because it is just as much a part of me as I am a part of it, leading with my heart, feeling with all of my soul, understanding that we are all tiny little reflections of the divine light...

Satisfaction.

In this month's Advice, etc. article in O mag, Martha Beck, the resident life coach extraordinaire writes about what lies beneath. "A designated issue dominates our psyches so that other troubles can go unnoticed." It's that one thing, our mind tells us, that if we could just get it under control, everything else would just be fantastic. She goes on to say "Consciously, you want more than anything to be rid of this dilemma. Subconsciously, you depend on it." The first thing that comes to my mind is my weight. It has been, except when I've been in shape or had it under control, my designated issue for as long as I can remember. So what would happen if this issue just went away?
When I went to see Dr. R, she told me that it was no longer an issue. She said, there will be no more dieting, no more calorie restriction, no more cleanses or cutting this and that. YOU ARE DONE! She exclaimed - and you know what? For a while there, I was. I could feel my body relax, my brain took a break from the obsession and I naturally stopped eating when I was full and just didn't eat when I wasn't really hungry. I was better able to identify the emotions or events that made me think I was hungry. Contrary to this article, though, all my other issues did not just come flooding in to overwhelm me. Or perhaps they did, but as noticing them was not my intention, I just went with it - probably worked it out in therapy, took a walk, or with a pizza.
While I put business cards into folders with tiny slits in them and collated marketing materials, a task that gives me agita to no end, I thought about my new life without my designated issue. A life where I have a fabulous job making tons of money writing for a fashion magazine or some other female focused publication, I wear the best clothes of the season, have my little apartment and travel the world with my fabulous man-friend. What I realized, my friends, is that I am not satisfied. Not at my job and certainly not in my personal life. I know that to chage I have to make different choices, I cannot expect different results from staying in the same routine, but there is something so very very scary about letting go of that designated issue. Dr. R. even said "there is no way you would be a size 4, you would totally freak out from all of the attention, that's why you keep self-sabotaging yourself." Here I was thinking that I would LOVE and I mean L.O.V.E. all the new attention I assumed I would get if I were a hot little size 4 hottie. I guess my current situation speaks to the opposite, though. This place that I'm in physically right now is a cumulation of the repeated choice to hide hide hide in front of everyone. Being a stage manager and wearing only black and working backstage, being a writer, an observer and reporting on what I see. Maybe I'm not as outgoing as I think I am. Maybe I'm just using a bunch of noise and laughter to keep others distracted as I crawl farther and farther back into myself - for fear of being rejected, unaccepted, un-love-ed....hmmmmm.

The workshop that workshopped me.

Friends, I think I may have something here. I can't tell you how long it's been since I actually sat at my desk and clapped and smiled like a kid getting her birthday cake because I was about to write an entry. This just might be the color of my parachute. Sorry I've been off a couple of days, I was gathering inspiration from the weekend's events and working these out in my head. So here goes...




This past weekend I was signed up to go to a workshop called Advanced Food Healing. I was so very excited to learn all kinds of new things about the healing powers of food and the different combinations of those foods to help prevent disease. I know that good food has this power. I have read all about the superfoods, I shop on the outskirts of the grocery store, I heart greek yogurt. I'm a fan, a well educated fan. My expectations for this workshop were high, and yet, a little voice in my head started the night before asking all kinds of qualifying questions, already doubting the information I was about to receive. How is that possible? I'm usually a very open-minded person, maybe a little too trusting. I didn't know who this guy was, or where he was from, didn't know if he was a doctor or a nutritionist or even had any kind of health/fitness degree (btw, found out he didn't). I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, told myself to calm down and to have an open mind, this was going to be a great workshop! Woo hoo!




I arrived at the hotel, got a great parking space on the street and made my way to the conference room. People started gathering. I met a couple of ladies who had gone to the QiGong workshop that I was meant to go to, but was unable to because I was out of town (silly me, remind me to check my calendar before signing up for a class next time, k?) so here I was. One of the women worked at the Optimum Health Institute, the other was a life coach in Houston, I think. They were lovely. After we all found our seats and made friends with our fellow workshoppers, the class began.




Our teacher was about average height. He had long black hair slicked back into a ponytail and his outfit was black with white Chinese button knots - this is his signature look. He stood up on stage, behind a long table with a black tablecloth set with all kinds of fruits, veggies, supplements and bagged goodies. Everyone was eager to find out what all those things were and and how we were going to combine them to make smoothies to CHANGE OUR LIVES ;)




Then he started talking. I have to admit that the minute I started writing notes, the little voice in my head said "Yeah, you better write this shit down, you're going to have to research all of it Monday morning once you get online" and slowly progressed to this "Can you believe this guy?If anything, write it down so you have some funny quotes for your blog" right before I left at lunch. Every time he picked up one of his supplements and said it was from across the ocean, limited in resources, very potent, powerful and rare - and also available for sale at the table right over there, I cringed. I looked at the publications during our short break because there were no handouts of any of the information. He broke all the information from the two days into two books and a DVD. http://www.qigong.com/press_pages/food.html. Someone else in the class brought up that there were no citations in his book "That's because my information comes from science" he said. I flipped through the pages that contained the text exactly as he spoke and with clip art from when I was in Jr. High.




There was an elderly man there. He was in a wheelchair, used an oxygen tank and a hearing aid - they put him in the back and kind of behind a column. His breathing machine was not quiet, but it was steady and once you got over it, blended into the background as white noise. Two of the ladies who were sitting next to me moved their chairs and themselves complaining it was too loud. I told him he could move his chair so that he could see better if he wanted to (and perhaps hear better since our speaker had a hard time projecting) he chose not to move. At one point his hearing aide was making sounds and the speaker was giving him dirty looks instead of offering to have the man sit closer or speaking up - and you know that feeling - when the whole room is either for you or against you? He got the whole room to be against this man. That really pissed me off. He was freaking lucky to even HAVE that guy at his stupid workshop and now he was all pissy because of a hearing aide. WTF.


More gems:

"You may ask yourself how do the fish get it? That's a good question" he didn't answer it.



"Like America, A real country who has a higher life expectancy"



"If you look at all the longevity of the earth"



and this was my favorite - when touting the goodness of the egg.



"I hung out with a Tibetan Monk and I went to the place where they eat, and I said 'Wow, you guys gotta lotta eggs here'"



What I ended up learning was that it doesn't matter how much you know about a certain subject, if your audience doesn't believe you, it may as well all be a lie. I also learned that you can overpay for a lesson. I had already paid for the class, but how much of my time was I going to give to this guy knowing that I didn't belive a word he said?

It's not easy being green, I tell ya.

Last night there was a very clear, very lucid dream, probably prompted by the slideshow with all of the old pictures from the origins of the company. Including the pictures of the house and the description that the manager used in his story of the day his picture was taken of the back door that lead out to a little landing and stairwell at the back of the building. It was dark and cloudy outside, everyone I was talking to was on a smoke break. This is my life.

All the employees I interacted with were male, one guy someone I flirt with all the time, the other a manager, the third, the head of that company and we had a small talk, he said he just did the same things over and over again, but in different order, sometimes it got boring, but usually he was busy so it was okay. It was like a sweet little moment as we walked together through the building, what appeared now to be a gym. I had my bag and offered him to join me for a workout, but he had other stuff to do and appreciated the offer even though he wanted to start working out again since he had gained some weight over the years. This dream was so non-descript, so blah that I was only compelled to write about it now because I figure the more non-descript and blah my dreams are, the more meaning is tied to them. So my subconscious has shifted, and please pardon the pun, dramatically – from vagina armpits in crazy dilapidated theatres to a house office with a bunch of male co-workers.

Sometimes I think something terrible happened to me when I was younger and that the memories of it are all being hidden by all the characters in my mind. The funny voices and the silly jokes and the witty comebacks – they have comeback. I feel the fragmentation more now or maybe it’s just because I haven’t been as diligent with my editing. Maybe since I haven’t been going to yoga I have not felt compelled to lock it down. Or maybe the benefits of yoga slowly unravel when you do not practice as they slowly ravel when you do. Or maybe my Mom just died.

I wonder if people just forget I’m here or if they don’t care and just ignore me. I wonder which one would make me feel worse. I wonder why…I try not to listen, but their boring loudness begs for attention. I try to type and to send a mental shut the fuck up, but sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I’m interrupted by people coming down the stairs making fun of me tilting my head and writing without really thinking that this is MY FUCKING OFFICE and I just look like that when I do that thing. I wonder what would happen if I went into their office and watched them while they tried to figure something out or write an email to a colleague or talk to their bank about a charge. It’s not easy being green, I tell ya.

I’m constantly being ordered to smile and cheer up even if I’m in a bad mood or concentrating. It’s fun to pretend to ignore them. It’s fun to pretend lots of stuff now that I don’t feel compelled to engage or be all cute and sweet. "That’s kind of a lie" she said, chuckling to herself and publishing the post.

Stuff I think about on Fridays....

I have spent the afternoon thinking about what to take for my continuing education classes for my massage license as the class I am going to take this weekend does not qualify for those credits (the original class I signed up for did, but since I was not able to take that class, this was the next best thing). This search inevitably leads me to my obsession with taking a three day Shiatsu course that I have been wanting to take for, um, two years now and then I begin to consider finishing my massage education, taking the next 250 hours, then the Shiatsu would be included in that. I think about all the jobs in the world, all the people who need all different kinds of things done to them and for them and wonder, which one of those would I be good at? So far, these are the professions that I think speak to my personality, not in any particular order: writer, photographer, location scout, teacher, nurse, editor, massage therapist, human resources, and marketing. I have looked into each one of these in some way or another, excited about each one at some point or another, probably when I have been upset by another phone call where I was called a bitch or collating something or whatever.

I would love to go back to school, but right now that is not financially possible. This is one of the main underlying issues surrounding this to begin with. Although I am proficient in a number of what are now called "soft skills" - people skills, communication and leadership skills, management and organizational skills that would make Martha Stewart proud, they do not exactly read on my resume. What the resume says is I have, in one form or another, been someone's assistant and have not changed that position my whole adult professional life.

They don't know that the stage manager is the first person there and the last one to leave, and the one who keeps the actors from setting themselves on fire, and the one who runs the meetings and makes sure the emails go out to everyone at 2am. They don't know about all the times I went to the family store on E. 7th to buy sodas before a show, or trying to be nice and get a lighting cue done when it's 11:30 on day 5 of tech and all you want to do is sleep or throw up (sometimes both). They think their co-workers have "strong personalities" - have you ever met a leading actress? Have you ever cleaned a public toilet for free because the house was about to open and, well, it just had to be done.

Now please don't take this as a martyr complex, I LOVE THEATRE. I lived and died for the theatre, it was my religion and my pleasure to do all of those things. I am just realizing now in my "next life" that all those things I chose to do: act, write, direct, and especially stage manage, although the lessons I learned doing them will be with me forever, are hard to translate onto a piece of paper - and in a job interview, are not really, well, on topic. Maybe I need to figure out a way to spin all of those actions into qualities that I know will read onto my resume - perserverance, patience, loyalty, dedication, patience, sense of humor in trying times, passion, did I mention patience? and determination. I can do whatever you throw my way. Oh, you want me to count lanyards? Oh. Okay.