Resolutions...

Last night I had one of those dreams that you could only have at the end of the year. I was called into an office where this woman was sitting behind a desk. Her hair was all grown out long and she held out her arm as if to say "have a seat" so I did. I thought I was going in for a Reiki appointment; but it turns out I was, for lack of a better term, at an exit interview. We went over the past year and what had happened and why we lost touch, then a friend who I had a falling out with the year before came to pick me up for dinner! What the hell? Leave me alone already. This is one of those times that I wonder if I'm the one with the problem letting go or is it them? Am I being pulled on psychically or are they pulling me? Is it possible that on some other level, some alternate universe, we are still friends and hanging out all the time?

I awoke at my normal time, five freaking minutes before my alarm goes off, only to lie in the bed for a few more snoozes. Today at work is quiet and lovely. It was so nice to have those four days off. I went to a very merry poker Christmas party on Christmas Eve where everyone loved the appetizer I brought - herb coated goat cheese and home made crostini (and I loved them for loving it) and I flirted with a boy who took me waaay too seriously (if you can imagine that). Christmas Day I hung out with a few lesbian friends of mine, two of them are in a couple. The other one is not. I wonder if people think I am with her when we are out. I try not to think about it or give a shit; but it does cross my mind. Especially when people are staring at the other two making out or holding hands, I kinda want to be like - hello, these are my friends, and although I am accepting of their lifestyle and would love for them to be able to get married and such, I'm not a practicing muff diver and would you please, please ask me out on a date, you handsome, handsome man.

The next day was spent walking around a beautiful outdoor mall with fancy stores and my friend with her kiddo. Sunday was all about me. I was supposed to have plans with someone from work, but we've tried so many times to get together and it hasn't worked, I'm giving up - again, why force it? If someone wants to stay in that ring of your life, there is obviously a reason and it's silly to try to reel them in if they have lead weights on their feet. If all you want to do is talk to me at work, fine, but that's it. If you don't want to go to lunch, fine, I won't ask you, if you don't want to come over, just tell me. But don't come back to me in the next week and be all "we never do anything" because you know what? I'm over it. I'm not going to beg you to be friends with me.

Everyone seems a bit more calm and relieved now (except me, now that I'm reading this ;) that Santa is back up in the North pole where he belongs. New Year's Eve is just four days away. Four days. Un-freaking believable. The thing I'm most excited about next year is the new Sex and the City movie, but, like our first official day off, does not come until May - what's a girl to do?

things i really like.

I'm about to fall asleep reading an article in Psychology Today about Procrastination (I'll finish it later ;) and the lobby is so quiet....so....quiet. The loudest thing in here is my thoughts, first my reading voice, then that voice gets tired of the article so I stare out the window and think about what I want for dinner. I realize at this point that I'm not really hungry, I'm just bored and I should probably have my snack so that I don't eat the entire contents of my fridge when I get home. I have all the ingredients for the soup I've been wanting to make and I'll be damned if I stop to get a hamburger and derail myself.

The hallway is so quiet when I go to get my snack, everyone must be really busy as it is the last full week before the end of the year. Also, I think some of the guys quit smoking because they have been going out less today. I message my friend upstairs to see if she is coming down, but no response, so I decide to have my snack at my desk. I eat my banana and my little peanut butter snack bar, think about what the scale said on Saturday, then re-focus on the wonderful banana that I am consuming. That is part of the new way of thinking. I stop for a moment before I eat to bow my head and thank everyone who produced my food from the farm to the table, then I meditate on eating. Truly enjoying the moments of chewing and swallowing and taking the time to notice how my body feels before and after I have put the nutrients in my body. This doesn't happen every time, but when I remember, I do it.

I start to think about all the things I like in this world and challenge myself to a little game. A list, alphabetically, of nouns that I find delightful. Some letters are harder than others, because the first word that comes to mind is not always something I find truly delightful - applesauce, for instance, or appliances. I like applesauce, I appreciate appliances, but I don't really enjoy them and have a hard time imagining my world without them.

A - atmosphere
B - butter
C - cats
D - dharma
E - eggs
F - fried food
G - guides
H - Henry
I - ice cream
J - jack o'lanters
K - kickboxing
L - lovemaking
M - manicures
N - nonsense
O - ocean
P - people
Q - quality control
R - restaurants
S - service
T - timing
U - understanding
V - violins
W - water
X - X-Ray
Y - yoga
Z - zucchini

the flying wallenda

i had a dream last night that i was at some kind of fair or large group gathering where i paid a lot of money (no amount was ever said) to have my turn at the trapeze. i was so excited and looking forward to it very very much. i kept trying to get in line, but there were so many people surrounding the base of the ladder that i was not able to push my way through. i saw people going on the trapeze that had not paid and had not trained with us that morning. by the time it was my turn, i looked up and all the staff people were making their way down and the trapeze was being hung up. i spoke with the man who was in charge and said that i had not had a turn and he said it was time to go. i was so angry. i told him i paid a lot of money and saw a lot of people go up that had not been there with us that day. he indicated to all the people around us and said how am i supposed to control this? the only thing i can control is when we go close and we're closing. i asked please please, i even got angry and said you are going to be so screwed. i did not get to go up there and i paid a lot and so now that i'm screwed you're gonna be screwed, too!! i made my way up the stairs angrily. i went into a little store and tried to steal something, but there was nothing there worth stealing. the blonde lady from the back came up and then did a cartwheel and went to the back. i realized that maybe she was trying to tell me she was watching me from back there and kind of daring me to take something. i left the store with my bag of tibetan flags and fabrics, i made my way back down the stairs, but my bag got pulled out of my hand and my stuff fell out, i turned around on the crowded stairs and screamed and screamed "those are my things!! my bag! that's my stuff!!! no one could hear me. i was going against the whole crowd, up the large stone stairs, screaming and crying and trying to get my stuff. then it starts to kind of rain.

next scene in the parking lot. a guy from work is there. there is a lot of flirtation, but no follow through (this is typical of our daytime routine). we are at the bar and he is getting loaded. i am not. we leave together, and have a moment where our lips almost touch and our faces are very close, but he doesn't make the move. i pull away. we go to our cars, he walks me to mine, i ask him how is he feeling? and he said "loose" and then i ask him how his....relationship is and he says "what?" and then i just say are you still going out with your girlfriend? and he says yes, she's fine. we get to my car and i realize i don't have my purse, it's either in his car or at the bar! oh shit! all the way back by the bar. i kind of panic and tell him we have to go back to get it. so we do. we check his car first and it's there. oh good.

woke up twice last night, can't help but think about Dad and wondering why my sister has not texted or called (even though i know why). wondering what i would do if he did decide to exit. hoping he did not, but going over the details in my head, nonetheless. how fucking morbid is that? what is that exercise all about? i mean down to what i would wear to the service, what i would do with the cat and my apartment, what i would do with the stuff, how would we deal with our evil aunt? Would she leave us alone finally or take this as her opportunity to just destroy what little we have left. would we invite her to the house? would we even talk to her? would we be fighting in front of the lawyers? would I tell my sister to shut the fuck up and let me listen, taking notes about all the accounts, changing my accounts because that financial planning lady is no good anymore. my mind is reeling. my soul is tired.

No pictures, please.

Today is my very own birthday. The day has just flown past me. This morning I woke up and said a prayer of thanks for arriving to this very day. Since then it's been like one of those time-lapse photography moments on a nature show. Get dressed, go to work, grab some breakfast, get a free coffee, talking with co-workers on their smoke breaks, signing for a lunch order and the next thing you know it's 11am. Then I talk to my Dad and order my subscription to Vogue. Then it's my turn to go to lunch. My friend takes me to Macaroni Grill and we get some yummy bread and pasta. The waiter knows we are in a hurry and since I have been telling everyone that it's my birthday, he brings me my cake in a to-go container with a candle in it! How sweet! Another co-worker brings me some cupcakes and yet another brings me some flour less chocolate cake (oh my freaking G.d) and cheesecake that he bought to celebrate his birthday that already passed. I am channelling cake. YAY.

Turns out going home for the holidays was not as bad as I had feared it would be. I arrived early on Thursday and my Dad picked me up from the airport. We went back to the house and just chilled out the whole day. We watched episodes of House together and I had some cereal for breakfast. Thanksgiving dinner was lovely. We walked over to our neighbor's house, someone who actually used to live just up the street from me when I was growing up, and we were made to feel like a part of their family for the holiday. It was really great. The sisters of the hostess remembered my Mom and my aunt and were just so happy to sit and share some special memories with us. There is something very special about hearing those stories, it adds to the repetoire of my memories of this very special person and reminds me that I was not the only one effected by her passing. After dinner it was time to go over to Dad's new lady-friend's house. That was a little weird, to say the least. Both my Dad and I were nervous about going over there, each for our own reasons. My sister threatened to show up, but of course we both knew she would not. We arrived and were greeted by a young man taking out the trash. Then followed him inside (it's her nephew) and were immediately immersed in new lady-friend's family. Sisters and nephews and nieces and good old Mom. She is a trip, that lady. She kept repeating herself and different stories of things that had happened. I thought about that a lot. One of the daughters said something about it later in the night and I said "I think that her remembering is really not a bad thing - I would be more worried if she didn't remember." I think that's what must happen as you get older. You want to keep remembering your life, to confirm that it really happened. To have the people around you, that wacky group of people we call family, acknowledge just how much you have all been through together. I feel like that NOW, so I can imagine what it must be like to be in your 70's or 80's. I really liked her. She thought I was a Doll! Just a Dolly! (and exclaimed so many, many times :)

I would catch my Dad and his lady-friend being a little touchy feelie and it was, to say the least uncomfortable. A part of me is thinking "Where is my Mom? Did they get divorced? Where is she? Why isn't she here?" and then I remember why we are there, and who these people are, and what happened, and my heart sinks a little bit.

They were taking lots of pictures and I just tried to avoid them. I said I didn't like pictures. What I was really thinking was "I don't want any evidence that this happened in case this whole relationship thing doesn't work out". There, I said it. Seriously, though. This is like the third or fourth person my Dad has met and gone out with since the time was time and who knows how long it will last? You've never seen Beyonce and Jay-Z in a video together, right? It's like the video kiss of death for relationships. Just don't do it.

Who's to say that they won't go out for a year and then break up? I know they are all happy and honeymooney now, but you know, that part of the relationship is bound to end at some point and they are going to have to deal with the day to day shit that everyone else around them has to deal with. Or not. Who knows. Maybe they will moon over each other for the next 20 years. I dunno. It's hard to say at this point.

The next day I spent with Dad, we went to the outlet mall and just walked around and then Saturday I got my haircut as that has been my ritual. Dad and I looked for a new towel rack for his bathroom at three places (to no avail) then it was time for me to go, so he dropped me off at the airport. He figured he'd try the last place I recommended and found it there.

My sister and I got along better than normal, but then again, she was gone most of the time. That probably helped.

the past 10 minutes.

phone rings
i recognize the number as a recording and hang up
ding
ding
ding
door opens and closes, let's go home, tell them i said it was okay - i say okay, no problem.
he goes down a hallway.
birds singing outside
door opens
guy comes downstairs, whistles, goes outside and leaves
guy walking around building
you too - lady comes down stairs, unwrapping something, eats candy goes outside,probably leaving, too.
door opens, co-worker walks through lobby, head down
phone rings, i answer call, transfer call
colleague comes out to talk about tie Tuesdays, they wear ties, they go out for Thai - tomorrow there is a plan to go to yummy Asian place, we decide we are best friends (like when you are kids) because we both like the spicy fish and eggplant with garlic - i recommend the black and white mushrooms with bok choy, ask her for a recommendation, she says she always goes with the guy so she lets him order - yeah, he knows what's good, i make up a pretend name in Chinese for black and white mushrooms with bok choy - pungchoiheyshiaoshr - she thinks I speak Chinese and is impressed. I almost let her believe it's true i go to my desk and decide to type what just happened in the past 10 minutes.

non-zen

Three days until Thanksgiving. I was on the couch last night waiting to find out who would be the Next Iron Chef and my mind wandered....What am I going to do for Thanksgiving? I'll be all alone...it will be dark...maybe I should light the fire?...It will be nice to have a few days off work... Maybe I'll just go to the grocery and get a turkey breast and some cranberry sauce and make my peas and a sweet potato at home....I'll lounge, I'll write, maybe I'll even go for a walk.....I feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere...I love my little house...Where's the kitty?....I should call so and so....at this point an image of me leaving the plane and walking towards the luggage claim at the El Paso airport enters my mind...Oh yeah, people are expecting me - somewhere....My phone beeps me back to reality and it's my sister asking me to email my itinerary "so that some1 will b there 2 pick u up. :)"

The phone rings at work and the man with the strong accent on the phone asks to be "put into" the Executive Assistant - I transfer him and giggle - I know, I know, but it makes me laugh every time. Three pizzas are delivered for a lunch meeting and I am trying not to smell them. I didn't have breakfast because I overdosed on my gingerbread trifle all weekend and just could not bring myself to eat anything this morning. I'm skipping lunch so I can leave early to pick up my friend's kid from the airport. I take the pizza up the stairs to the meeting room, set it up all nice and then the manager tells me to take some while it's still hot - I tell him I can wait until they are done - but he insists and so I go ahead and take a couple of slices. It's free pizza, people.

My left arm has been bothering me, I have a new crop of zits, I think my Auntie Flow is coming to town and I'm so uncomfortable in my skin today (What the hell? Is this puberty??). I think with the upcoming "meet my Dad's new special friend over dessert at her house" adventure coming up as well as three days with my pleasant sister, I'm bracing myself for one of those holiday gatherings I used to think only happened in movies. For the past week now, my thoughts and dreams (and posts) have vascillated between nostalgia, longing for things I don't presently have, thanking G.d for everything I do have (to try to cancel out any appearance of ungratefulness) and wondering about whether or not I ever will experience those things in my future. This past paragraph has been sponsored by the "How to avoid a peaceful mind at all costs" network of Non-zen practicing freak-out heads.

Kitchen Kvetchn

A few weeks ago, I helped a friend out at a Halloween party that, it turns out, was not even her idea and the person who's idea it was totally flaked. Being the person I am and finding it painful to watch her flapping around her own kitchen like a freaking fish out of water, I took over. I made the appetizer I promised to bring (caprese salad bites, so delish) and then ended up making the guacamole and finishing off the chili, and a valiant attempt at a creamy frothy beverage who's preparation instructions were: just keep mixing stuff until it tastes good (btw, I tried for an hour, with two kinds of booze, it didn't work - apparently someone added tequila later and said it tasted good, but I think they were probably already drunk). These are not difficult for me, but to hear her flattery you would think I saved her from a night with the guy from SAW.

I feel like when someone is at my house, they will not need for anything, I am a hostess and care about my guests comfort from the minute they walk in the door to the minute I hug them goodbye. I equate this with love. So when I go to someone's house and expect the same treatment from them, and then it turns out that the person doesn't do that, and furthermore, goads me into doing it for them because they hate to do it, well, I feel uneasy. I'm like "Motherfucker, I'm at your house, at your party, you asked me to come and bring an appetizer and be your guest, how did I end up being on the the staff?" I explained to her that I left early because I was so tired from working from the minute I got there until all her guests finally arrived. What I finally had to admit to myself (and to her) was that I was pissed that I had been taken for granted.

I understand that I place a lot of importance on food. I used to not care if I had Wendy's every night for dinner before rehearsal, or Chinese food every Sunday because I didn't want to go to the grocery. But as I have gotten older, I have grown to appreciate what it means to make something for myself. That by taking the time to make a little rice, steam a little broccoli and grill up some fish is to say to myself "Self, I love you, you are worth it to me to take this time for, this effort for." I love to make a dinner for a dear friend when they are feeling overwhelmed or just make brunch on Sunday and have a few friends visit. I love going to the grocery now and trying the sushi, I love talking to the fish guy and the butcher about what's in the case. I have a crush on one of the cheese guys at the fancy grocery store. When I stop to think about it, food is intricately connected to so many different events and adventures in my life. I forget that there are people in the world who are content to just pick up dinner on the way home, every single time. I forget that there are people in the world who don't like to eat, who don't like to eat the same things I do and who definitely don't like to cook. They see the world through a different lens.

I just don't understand them. My Mom was an amazing cook, baker and hostess. She was happy and warm and all of her food tasted like it was made with a bunch of love. It would be quite an accomplishment to be half the lady she was in the kitchen. She was organized, efficient, clean and F.U.N. I loved to come home and help her with the final preparations of our big holiday family meals (when she would let me or if there was even anything left to do). My memories around the holidays (and her friends all say the same) was of my Mom on the phone with her girlfriends, cooking, talking about cooking, sharing recipes, trying new ones, who's' doing this, how are their kids, and so on. I would sit and watch and listen and eventually was put to work either making the whipped cream for her fabulous pumpkin pie or slicing the brisket for dinner at Rosh Hashanah, sometimes just filling the glasses with ice, but I was part of it. We were one of those families that had dinner together all the time - NO TV. The kitchen was where everyone ended up in my house, didn't matter which holiday or who was over, even if it was just me and her, we seemed to always gravitate to the kitchen.

As the second Thanksgiving without my Mom approaches these memories become just a touch more poignant. I will be going back to my hometown for the holidays. My Dad, Sister and I have been invited to a family friend's house. I didn't go back last year, just couldn't do it, didn't make the plans, didn't buy the ticket, so this will be our first time doing this together, without her, not even in our own house. It's not like my Sister or I are married with kids where we could create our own new traditions amongst ourselves. I mean, we could do it at our house but did you read my previous post? I'm flying in Thursday morning, I know there will be drama, and I know that my Mom and I will not be watching the Macy's parade all cuddled together and take breaks for pie (to "even out the edges"). It just breaks my heart a little bit each time I think about it....