The Story.

In between five to ten second conversations with whoever is going through the lobby, playing on the timesuck that is facebook and watching tidbits of family guy while I laugh to myself like a crazy person; there are moments when I look out the window and have deep thoughts. Thoughts about life, the meaning thereof, and how to be a better person while I am here on earth being the boss of the lobby.

After a rough couple of years in my personal life including losing my Mom to cancer, having two huge fights and breaking up with two very close friends that I had known for over ten years, financial issues, burnout, weight gain, and no love life, I decided that maybe therapy was a good choice. Due to the financial issues, I decided to take the money I had been using for my yoga classes and put that towards therapy for however many sessions it took to get me back on track, get me happy and moving forward in my life again. It has been a little over four months now and last night's report, even after a pretty rough day, what that I was doing just fine. So that's good...
What is going through my mind these days, when I stare out the window at the snowy day and contemplate my life in this snow globe moment, is keeping the balance between all the things I learned in yoga and therapy. They appear to me to be two completely different ways of living a life. In therapy, I report what has happened, I keep a journal of my dreams and of course, listen to what the therapist has to say or sometimes just cry or figure stuff out, you know, depending on the day - sometimes I even do all of those things. Because the goal of therapy, especially according to Jung is individuation.

"Individuation is a process of transformation whereby the personal and collective unconscious is brought into consciousness (by means of dreams, active imagination or free association to take some examples) to be assimilated into the whole personality. It is a completely natural process necessary for the integration of the psyche to take place. Individuation has a holistic healing effect on the person, both mentally and physically. Besides achieving physical and mental health, people who have advanced towards individuation tend to be harmonious, mature and responsible. They embody humane values such as freedom and justice and have a good understanding about the workings of human nature and the universe."

Yoga takes a different approach. It's about going in, going deep, but with your heart and your breathing, not with your brain. The moments in those poses that are the most difficult are the times when "we must remember that we are not our bodies, we are spiritual beings in a human form" we are told to resist the temptation to give in to the ego, to the story. Of course, this is the time when the inner monologue, for better or worse, is turned up to "11". The tape that has recorded all the "I'm no good at this, I'm too fat for this, that girl is SO SKINNY, that girl is SUCH A BITCH, HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?, what am I going to eat for dinner? Should I even eat dinner? When the hell is this pose going to end?" with practice, our yoga teaches us to let go, release ourselves to the pose, surrender the story to the science of pigeon or warrior or even savasana and turn the dial down to a good 5 or even 3 and sometimes, when you least expect it and when you really aren't trying, it turns off. These moments are few and far between, but it is these moments that you learn to strive for when you are balanced in tree, or holding onto your leg in dancer's pose.

Since it's been a week from when I began this entry until now, I have had time to contemplate a third option. As you can see from earlier entries, I made a commitment to volunteering when I began this writing process. I have since been to the food bank at least once a month since I started this blog and it has been great for me. The reason I wanted to volunteer was because I knew it would get me out of the house, out of my head, and thinking about people other than myself'; being grateful is a huge windshield wiper for your brain when it's clouded by self-pity. I had the time, the energy and the willingness to do so and it was about time since the last time I did it was probably sometime in high school (not counting all of my theatre work, that was more like a labor of love). Last week, I decided to go to the Chabad website, just out of curiosity to see what Judaism has to say about the 'ego' and true to form, the directions were to do a mitzvah. A divine command as communicated in the Torah. Doing a good deed takes us outside of ourselves and reminds us that we are here for one purpose and one purpose only, to be of service, to G.d and to our fellow humans, not for some great reward in the afterlife, but to make the world a better place now, while we are here.

it's not you, it's me.

I have a good friend at work, she is my stop. That one person you can go to when the day is just crappy and you know they will not only understand, but will help you reframe your problem so it doesn't seem like a problem anymore, but something you can actually handle. She has been having some boundary issues with a co-worker, he doesn't seem to understand them, and it has been getting worse as the time has passed, as problems are wont to do, in an effort to be solved, I suppose.
So she came downstairs and we talked it out. I told her she may just have to tell him to leave her alone. I came up with a couple different options of things to do or say, we went a little off the handle, ahhhh comic relief.
1. No thank you.
2. Listen, I like to go downstairs by myself, I'm sure you understand, just need a moment to be alone.
3. I'm going to have some girl time with the boss of the lobby, no boys allowed.
4. I need to call my hubby, talk to you next time.
5. No, you smell funny.
6. Look, stop following me.
7. Ignore him when he follows you outside. Just ignore him. (this one worked, by the way, but he stuck around to listen to our conversation - not totally effective).
8. No! Punch to the head No! Kick in the groin No! Poke eyes out No! Rabbit punch
9. Take the urn at the end of her desk, bring it down on his head as hard as you can, and then say "Anyone else want to come out for a cigarrette with me?"
10. Bite me.

Although some of these choices are quite violent and also absurd, there is something to be said for following your imagination as far as it will go. Especially for folks like us who have a hard time saying no and wanting to be nice to others even to the point of our discomfort/resentment. The fact of the matter is, they obviously don't get the hint and they don't care about our feelings, so we need to watch out for ourselves. That is what these tests are for. If we were guys, it would simply be a matter of saying something gross or insulting the other man's manlyhood and the guy would just go away. Maybe that would be another option? How is saying something like that any less annoying than the person you dislike following you everywhere?

it's okay to be miserable, even if Haiti happens.

This morning I had a bit of a freak out on the phone with my dear friend that I haven't spoken to in a few weeks. I started the morning in a good mood, then took too personally someone who was rude so that put me in a bad mood, then I laughed with someone so I was in a good mood again. Then that group of kids came in from the marketing company and I was in a bad mood again (because I know they are 10 years younger than me, have a fraction of the experience and personality and are making probably 10 times more than me - that's my story, I'm sticking to it, just for now, though). Up and down, up and down, it is a beautiful day and for someone who has taken as much yoga as I have, I am really letting these crazy emotions get the better of me.

My life is flashing before my eyes. I see people around me working and going and doing. I am having a bit of a crisis. I vascillate between everything is fine, you have a house, a job, a kitty and clothes on your back, food in your fridge plus did you see what was happening in Haiti? and this job has served its purpose, it's time to move on, what's next? What do I do for the rest of my life? How will I ever support myself? Wat the hell am I still doing here? Why does it seem like everyone else around me has their shit together and I'm the only one going crazy with this existential crisis? Why do I compare myself to everyone? Why is it that when I see so very many possiblities, I just shut down instead of running head first into the great wide open? Am I scared? What could I possibly be scared of? The thing that scared me the most already happened.

I do a bit of research here and there, see more possibilites and get excited, but then nothing happens and so I tell myself it's not meant to be and give up again and again. Lauren Hutton was on Project Runway last night and her parting words to the models were "Just remember to work four times as hard as everyone else and you will make it!!" I dramatically fell back on my couch and exclaimed to my friend "Really??? FOUR TIMES? But I'm already sooooooo tired" and my friend, very busy mother of two said "Oh man, forget that noise." Then we laughed...

My friend on the phone is talking me down, I call it "petting the kitty" like you would do at the vet when it's about to get shots. She assured me that I don't have to make any rash decisions right now because I do have a job and I'm doing just fine, really. She assured me that I am loved and cared for and being cheered on by a team of fabulous and wonderful cheerleaders that include her and her girlfriend and the Universe. It's a matter of researching a bit at a time, a matter of listening to that still, small voice deep inside of you that quietly and calmly tells you the direction to point your sails. Pull back, try to see what is in front of you instead of standing and seeing the big picture. Patience is the key and no, you do not run the show, but you do have a very important part and it will reveal itself as the time passes. So don't get discouraged, don't fret and things will be just fine. You will be good at whatever you decide to do, once your energy is focused on the pinpoint of light you are to follow. You have indicated to the Universe that you are ready, the Universe is knitting you a sweater, sweaters take time to knit. Also, it's okay to be miserable, even though there are terrible things in the world, like what happened in Haiti, you have to keep things in perspective, my dear. I love you.

The marketing kids leave the building and I take a deep breath. Some guy comes down the stairs to interview a candidate, people start leaving in groups to go to lunch and the day continues just like every other day. I thank my friend profusely for talking me down from the proverbial ledge (the second one this morning, someone else talked me down earlier) and we made plans to have brunch on Sunday. Everything is going to be okay. These things take time.

free the giraffes.

Sunday night I had so many dreams and they were all mashed up like some crazy movie sequence where the drug addict is going through detox. The one part that really sticks out in my mind was the first lucid sequence where I was a zoo keeper in Haiti and I had to figure out how to save the animals and get them transported to another zoo. Absolute chaos surrounded me and all I could think of was, where is the tiger? Where are the elephants? Are they okay? How are we going to get them to another zoo? I wonder if it will be cleared up in dreamland tonight...


I found out in therapy last night that what I thought was an unreasonable dislike towards blondes in SUVs is actually not unprecedented. The discussion began because of a new friend at work and my suspicions of her wanting to be friends with me. The story I made up is that she is the captain of the cheerleading squad, I am a drama geek. Maybe I have been watching too much Glee? If you are an adult working in an office with men and women and there are more than 20 0f you, there is a good chance that the high school vibe will permeate at some point, right? I mean, it's just natural for groups to form and people to find their groups and stick to them. It's also easier for me to categorize people and remember them by the groups they are in. sales = cheerleaders/football team, developers = chess club, hr/accounting/tech = principal, administration, school nurse and so on. I made her a cheerleader. I already had some harbored anger towards blonde women driving SUVs and who else would that cheerleader be all grown up and so the distrust carries over. The story is that they have perfect lives with perfect children and husbands where all they have to do is cart the kiddies back and forth in their weekend warrior mobiles all the while making hair/facial/nail appointments (which is why they are on the phone every single time I see them) after working out with hot personal trainers for two hours everyday. Whether I am being courageous or obvious about my deep seeded jealousy for these fellow sisters, I do not know.

So I have dinner with her, I hang out with her and it turns out that we have so much more in common than I thought. We have both been through some pretty tough times these past few years. She is a real person with real problems and has been screwed over and hurt just as much as the next gal. Which is not to say that if she were the aforementioned lady that I would not be friends with her (or that she doesn't have a set of problems of her own) it's just that I wouldn't have a good chance of running into her all that often - okay, maybe at the salon. Then it occurred to me that maybe she wants to be friends with me because I am gorgeous, thin, smart and blonde, too! Okay, maybe I'm not, but obviously we are not in high school, I am a cool lady, and when it comes down to it, there are not a lot of women where I work, she is new, and she just wants someone to hang out with that will not a) hit on her and 2) be accepting and real - I can do that. I'm a pro. So the categories fade and the suspicion dissipates and then it just becomes to fabulous ladies, having some wine, talking about work and trying to get along in this big old world...

Organize Your Closet, Organize Your Life

Here is a speech I wrote for my Toastmaster's meeting today....

Good afternoon, everyone!

How many of you made a resolution in some form or another to “get organized” this year?

You will be happy to know that you are not alone. I googled the word “closet” and received about 45,500,000 results. The National Association of Professional Organizers deemed January National Get Organized Month and you can bet your Jimmy Choos that they are at your service should you need someone to come in and get your house in order for the year ahead.

When I signed up for this speech, I thought to myself “Perfect! I love to organize things!” I even wanted to join the National Association of Professional Organizers when I was between jobs at one point in my life. I have read books on Feng Shui and designed my living space according to those principals. Perhaps my interpretation is a bit too literal, and some of you may be wondering if I have been in secret contact with your spouses and or Mother’s over the holidays, but I think there is something to be said for the time and energy that can be conserved if you have a system in place in one of the most important, yet often neglected areas of the home.

Now some of you may make a case for the garage (leave it, it’s been 20 years, just sell it all when you sell the house) or the spare bedroom (forget it, they aren’t coming back to visit until Christmas, anyway) but I think the place to start is your very own closet in your very own room. This can be quite an overwhelming task, especially for those of you who have a spouse and/or kids that you share your house with. Perhaps you are single, but have been collecting things since Jr. High.

When you take the time to eliminate, categorize and streamline your things, you will find that you save time and money. There will be more space in your closet so that you can actually see what you own and maybe even find and use things you didn’t remember buying. When you are ready to shop, you can see what it is you are actually missing and spend less time at the store and less money buying things you don’t need because you will know exactly what you have already.

The first step is elimination. One of my favorite tips is to have a big shopping bag in your closet so that when you try something on and it doesn’t fit or is torn or just plain out of style, you can put it in the bag. Once all the bags are together at the end of the year or season, go through and determine what can be donated, what can be recycled and what needs to be thrown out.

Remember in kindergarten when everything was labeled and had its place? Try to think like that. Put like things together in groups by color or fabric or length or all three (like me!) You could arrange your clothes by material since Austin has two seasons HOT and fall. Be as specific or general as you like, but remember that the more organic and basic the setup, the easier it will be to maintain (especially for kiddos).

As far as streamlining goes, take a step back and think about how you like to get dressed in the morning. This will help you determine how you set up your closet. From shirts to shoes or vice versa, place the items in your closet next to each other in that order so that getting dressed is a breeze. Kids generally love to dress themselves and this will enable them to have their own setup and do their own thing in the morning while you do yours. Think how much easier it will be if you wash all the like items together then when they come out of the dryer, all you have to do is hang them up and put them in their sections.

If you make the effort, whether it is a weekend closet overhaul or a goal for 2010 – 2019, you will find that the time and energy you put into this space will be well worth it. Once you have eliminated the old and unfashionable, organized and streamlined what is left in your closet, you will find that tackling that garage or spare bedroom is not as difficult as you thought it might be. Then there will be space in your mind and your life for more good things to come.

Thank you!

Happy New Year, Indeed!

I'm in a head cold state of mind, the Allegra is kind of working, the shower was hot, then it was cold, and all I can think of now is that I have to call the service guys to come out again next week to look at it. Ah, home ownership. I am so delighted to have such a lovely place to call home, and I gotta tell you, peeps, sometimes, when the car seat breaks and the water heater is not heating and you know you are going to have to spend at least two grand to get them back to where they were, it's times like these that I would not mind selling everything and moving to India.


I feel like I have to confess. I feel like I have to say something to make my previous posts not sound so whiny and ungrateful; but at the minute I think I want to erase them, I realize that that would be going against the point of the blog in the first place. This is a thought repository. We all know that thoughts and especially feelings (or is it feelings and especially thoughts?) are fleeting at best. These things that I decide to write and publish, they are how I am feeling in the moment. I am trying to be as honest as I can without hurting any one's feelings, but you know what I realized again today? I have no control over that. I can only do my best to edit these things to have them make sense, and goodness knows that by writing I hope to come to some conclusion on all of this wonderful crazy ass thing we call life, but in the end, it's just a blog on the Internet machine. Hopefully one that will be picked up by HBO for a new show, my friend has already cast actress Rosie Perez to play me and I have cast Laura San Giacomo to play her and Mahogany Jones to play, well, Mahogany Jones.

I have been struggling with my ability to say no and especially the guilt that I mentally rack myself with when I do. What the hell? Saying you can't go to dinner or lunch or whatever because you do not feel well is not a federal crime punishable by law. It's not like I'm denying someone a kidney, I just don't feel well and don't want to go. Or even if I was feeling better, why would I make myself feel awful for changing my mind? What is this neurosis? What is it called when you think something so minimal matters so much and what is the Catholic guilt drama complex that follows all about? Hmmmm...is that just being human or do I have a special thing going on? Why do I care? Why do I feel that these choices are such a detriment to my integrity and why am I taking myself so freaking seriously? WTF?

I have been thinking a lot about my career (again, there is some guilt there-the voice of my inner taskmaster dictates "do better, be better, do more, make more") and have been asking around to friends what they think I would be good at. I have gotten some great responses and have been moving forward with small steps to make some big things happen. I sometimes feel guilty looking for a job in this economy - as if someone out there were to say "Hey lady, you have a job, let the rest of us get a job first and then you can worry about being happy in your eight to five, huh?" But who is to say that by staying where I am, I am not preventing someone from having the opportunity to move forward in their lives? Perhaps by making an effort to market my inherent skills, I can organically migrate in a new direction and become more and more the woman I want to be a la famous and fabulous clothing designer Dianevon Furstenberg:

"I didn't really know what I wanted to do, but I knew the woman I wanted to become. Fashion was absolutely an accident in my life as a result of that I was becoming independent and I was becoming more and more the woman I wanted to become."

I will explore my options and be patient. I will keep my eyes peeled for that happy accident, that sign, that smoke signal from Mt. Olympus. If all of that doesn't work, then I am going to stick to the best advice I have ever gotten - live your way into the answer...

Resolutions...

Last night I had one of those dreams that you could only have at the end of the year. I was called into an office where this woman was sitting behind a desk. Her hair was all grown out long and she held out her arm as if to say "have a seat" so I did. I thought I was going in for a Reiki appointment; but it turns out I was, for lack of a better term, at an exit interview. We went over the past year and what had happened and why we lost touch, then a friend who I had a falling out with the year before came to pick me up for dinner! What the hell? Leave me alone already. This is one of those times that I wonder if I'm the one with the problem letting go or is it them? Am I being pulled on psychically or are they pulling me? Is it possible that on some other level, some alternate universe, we are still friends and hanging out all the time?

I awoke at my normal time, five freaking minutes before my alarm goes off, only to lie in the bed for a few more snoozes. Today at work is quiet and lovely. It was so nice to have those four days off. I went to a very merry poker Christmas party on Christmas Eve where everyone loved the appetizer I brought - herb coated goat cheese and home made crostini (and I loved them for loving it) and I flirted with a boy who took me waaay too seriously (if you can imagine that). Christmas Day I hung out with a few lesbian friends of mine, two of them are in a couple. The other one is not. I wonder if people think I am with her when we are out. I try not to think about it or give a shit; but it does cross my mind. Especially when people are staring at the other two making out or holding hands, I kinda want to be like - hello, these are my friends, and although I am accepting of their lifestyle and would love for them to be able to get married and such, I'm not a practicing muff diver and would you please, please ask me out on a date, you handsome, handsome man.

The next day was spent walking around a beautiful outdoor mall with fancy stores and my friend with her kiddo. Sunday was all about me. I was supposed to have plans with someone from work, but we've tried so many times to get together and it hasn't worked, I'm giving up - again, why force it? If someone wants to stay in that ring of your life, there is obviously a reason and it's silly to try to reel them in if they have lead weights on their feet. If all you want to do is talk to me at work, fine, but that's it. If you don't want to go to lunch, fine, I won't ask you, if you don't want to come over, just tell me. But don't come back to me in the next week and be all "we never do anything" because you know what? I'm over it. I'm not going to beg you to be friends with me.

Everyone seems a bit more calm and relieved now (except me, now that I'm reading this ;) that Santa is back up in the North pole where he belongs. New Year's Eve is just four days away. Four days. Un-freaking believable. The thing I'm most excited about next year is the new Sex and the City movie, but, like our first official day off, does not come until May - what's a girl to do?