loooong weekend

Memorial Day weekend was a blast. There have been so many decisions to make and hard things to think about these past few weeks, it was nice to have a free day to just let it all go and worry about where I lost my earring (checked by the pool this morning, not there, must be in the house....somewhere).
I'm back at work today and after a fantastic breakfast - a pumpernickel bagel with cream cheese, lox, capers and a tomato with some black coffee - I'm ready to face the day and face the thoughts that have been running across the teleprompter in my brain.
All those thoughts about love and money and family and friends. About where I am in my life and what I should do with myself. Going over with a fine tooth comb my principals and morals, reviewing my belief system and contemplating when IS the right time to really just let go...you know, a regular Tuesday morning....

space age love song

I went to my friend B's birthday party on Saturday and along with her husband, boys and me, there were two couples there, B's step sister and her boyfriend and a couple she used to work with. The lady of the couple is starting her own business based on her years of experience as a counselor to become a life coach that focuses on love and relationships. I found this out because after we were seated and had our drinks and stuff, the first question she asked me was "So, are you seeing anybody?" I very rarely get asked this question - maybe it's because most of my close friends know that aside from a few "one night adventures", I haven't had what one would call a "boyfriend" since my freshman year of college - that was a two week stint in boyfriendland in 1992, People. Not to say that I have not had relationships with men. Some of my very best friends have been guys and those guys still are. Otherwise I have been a free agent. Waiting for my Mr. Big moment, waiting for a guy who will just knock my socks off, hoping that I don't work with him and that he is not a total jerk. I don't think that these are huge requests of the Universe.

After S. asked me that question, a very strange thing occurred - some crazy Freudian nightmare of my entire love life since 1992 played itself out in my version of reality since I had the Ma Po Tofu (delish, btw, I highly recommend it!) at P.F. Chang's that night. Like a really bad teenage movie, the scenes began to unfold, one after the other. I was at work on Monday and a guy who used to work here called and since I hadn't talked to him in a while, we caught up. He asked me if I wanted to come over and since the last time we tried to hang out was unsuccessful (he invited me to some get rich quick scheme he's into, I didn't go) I figured I'd give it another shot, just to see what happened.

We fell right back into our flirtatious rapport, the kind that they always show in movies right before the big kiss in the rain (and yes, it was raining that night, HARD). I thought we were going to be alone (well, him and his dog) and it turned out that he's living with his brother (and his dog) and a friend - three guys, two dogs. After a delicious dinner, we got back to the apartment, it was dark, it was cool, the the guys were in their rooms, just doing what they do, the dogs were with them. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I agreed. We picked one and got on the couch, settled in. I thought that this was a primer, but boy, was I wrong. Here I was, in the dark, on the couch, ready to cuddle and he sat on the total opposite side, covered in a blanket, arms and legs crossed, slouched back in the sofa. Tuned out, shut off, except for random questions about how they mowed the lawn in those days (we were watching Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland) in turns out work had nothing to do with keeping us apart and even though this person is not even a good imaginary facebook friend, now he's asking me to come over every week because "he forgot how it was between us."

I should have known when he didn't text me his address after he invited me to come over, or when he laughed instead of responding after he saw the dogs come at me jumping and barking, or when he didn't ask me if I was seeing anyone (why would he ask if he didn't care?). It's not just him either. There is another guy that I have been friends with for about ten years now that I'm just not giving up on. When I saw he was single after a year, what was the first thing I did? I emailed him to go out. WTF? This guy has not called or even posted a message on so little as my facebook page in a year and the minute he breaks up with this girl, he's all attentive and ready to go. It's my fault. I worship them. I look at them like they hung the moon and they suck on my expectations and hope like a character on True Blood. Maybe it's all that Anne Rice I read in Jr. High?

I was the friend who became "The Breakup Whisperer". As an independent, strong, funny and intelligent friend, loyal to the death, able to see beyond the public displays of affection! They would come to my apartment from far and wide, sometimes from across the country. I didn't let it bother me that we had not hung out the whole year prior to that because of said scumbag, but now that he was out of the picture, it was time to get back to drinking wine and bitching about boys on my couch. This was my time. I would hug them and take them back in, as if they were back from a long, difficult journey, and a lot of times, my friends, they really were. I was there to tell them that they "Didn't need that guy, or any guy for that matter" to "Put it into perspective - who were you before you met that guy? How can you let one person change who you are at your core just because you slept with him for three months?" and hours and hours of listening to them talk about the sex, the crying, the fighting, the makeup sex...no no no, it's like I was living it with them, and to be honest, I think I was talking myself into it, also - even though deep down, yes, go ahead and say it, even though deep down all I wanted was for someone to cry, fight, and have makeup sex, someone to laugh and hold and kiss and hug and love so hard that maybe it even hurt a little - that maybe after three months I really couldn't imagine my life without him...

Does this explain why I have been staving off a long, difficult journey of my own? I can't help but wonder if seeing my Dad take care of my Mom for three years while she was dying of cancer made me think - will I ever find anyone who is willing to do this for me? Will I ever find anyone that I am willing to do this for? Is having a boyfriend like window shopping at Neiman's? I think to myself; sure the clothes are pretty, but once you try them on you realize they don't fit and they are way to fucking expensive and difficult to maintain, I think of Carrie Bradshaw at the end of Sex and the City - finale part deux....

"Well, maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love and I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris it's not your fault, it's my fault. I shouldn't have come here."

b still.

I like having a project at work. Doing a project makes the day go by faster, gives me focus, and also makes me feel useful and give me something to contribute to the work conversation. Because even though everyone always says in a mocking tone that I have the best job (this usually happens when I'm reading Vogue and eating breakfast) I know deep down that they are really quite happy to have me do it because it means someone else has to be happy and smiling and nice all the time - yes, even to the stupid/mean people, especially to the stupid/mean people. I have taken on even more responsibility and hopefully this will pay off at the time of my review.
I got home today and was a little down, thinking about my bank account and worrying over money again. Then I come home, to my much quieter home now that kitty is gone, and I hear that still, small voice in the back of my head whisper "Don't panic, things are okay, you are going to be okay, you will see, everything will come out just fine, just take a deep breath and be still." It works. I have no idea what this voice is. Mom? Grandma? Grandpa? Is it a trick my mind is playing on me to keep me from having a total freak out session? Is this mental health on board or some crazy delusion?
Am I doing the right thing? Where is my compass? Where is my sign? Could someone please just tell me what the fuck to do?! That would be GREAT. Yes, based on your knowledge of the future and all of it's possible outcomes, I would like some advice, Universe...hello? hello?
Then I look up and I'm at my job, I'm standing in the hallway with a cup of coffee, I can feel my spanx hugging me, I feel my cute little shoes underneath my feet, I toussle my hair and take a deep breath and a sip of coffee so it doesn't spill on me or the carpet and I take a good look at the EXIT sign above the door - see, there is always a way out, anywhere you go, there's always a way to just change your mind and go somewhere else. Sometimes there are more logistics involved. Like selling everything and moving to India is a lot more involved then just changing into my pajamas and going to watch public television in the den, but still it's a different choice, an EXIT from my present state of mind. A way to keep the fear of the unknown at bay and to let the "monkey mind" go back into its cage where it can relax and have a banana.

Deeper Dive

It has been quite a while since I have written an entry, so much has happened since then, here are some highlights...
1) On April 3rd I had to have my cat put to sleep - she had suffered kidney failure and instead of turning my house into Kitty Hospice, I asked the kitty what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to go to the big sushi bar in the sky. I thanked her so very much for being the best kitty puss puss in the world and watched as they gave her a shot and her tiny little green eyes closed for the last time. Then, the very next hour, I found out that my friend had a baby boy. I made it to the hospital the next day to hold him and be with their family, it was a delight. Nothing like a day old baby to bring some light and hope into the world.
2) The yearly ride that I volunteer for is all geared up and ready to go tomorrow. I am the captain of the team that takes care of a tent at the top of the hill for the riders to stop, enjoy and pick up a popsicle - we encourage them, give them water and gatorade and joke around about spandex - it's all good and it's all in costume! Our theme this year is ROCKY - we were inspired by the scene in the original where he triumphantly climbs the stairs as our tent is at the top of a hill. Very excited about tomorrow, should be a gorgeous day in the hill country...
3) Another step in the journey towards financial independence, decided to freeze my gym membership (bye bye kickboxing :( and no more brow waxes - time to take my tweezers into my own hands since my stupid property taxes went up - good thing is, I didn't realize I had this kind of discipline inside of me - except when it comes to that new frozen yogurt place down the street - those bastards.
4) I love our public television channel - just when I was ready to give up on my farm share, I see FOOD, INC. again and EARTH DAYS: AMERICAN EXPERIENCE - amazing. Makes me want to MOVE TO A FARM and garden naked like the hippies in the movie - too bad gardening is so, well, dirty and sweaty, also, that's A LOT of sunscreen.
5) I burned my first DVD with my new computer and feel like I am part of the future for a second. I burn a movie based on the French book Le scaphandre et le papillon - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - I don't care that it's in French with no subtitles, I read them the first time and the language is so beautiful, it's just lovely to watch and listen...another cool thing is that I saw that movie - one about a man who uses only his eye to write a book, then I saw Broken Embraces - a man who is blind who writes a movie...
6)Have been catching up with friends from the past, one from high school and one from college, people I haven't seen in 12-18 years, reconnecting on facebook and finding that people do change, they may seem the same, but we all grow, we all learn, we all connect to each other in different times in our lives for our souls to "check in" and fill in the blanks of those questions forgotten (what seems like) so very long ago...I wonder what it will feel like to come across someone when I'm 50? or if I run into someone when I'm 70? Who will it be? What will we talk about? What answers will be revealed?

Put in a helpdesk ticket

"Could you tell Mother Nature to hurry it up with the pollen distribution?" He said as he began to climb the stairs. I asked if he wanted me to call right now and he said yes. So I picked up the phone and said "Hello? ...Yes...I would like to put in a request to expedite the pollen distribution in our area...yes...okay, put in a help desk ticket? Okay, thanks". Then I hung up the phone and called to him as he had reached the top of the stairs and his destination and I told him to put in a help desk ticket to the Nature Board. He laughed, and I said, "See, I follow up."
It's little conversations like this that happen every day that make being the Boss of the Lobby so fun. Earlier today, with someone who usually ignores me, I decided to say Hi and just get over myself. She said Hi back and asked me how I was doing, of course I told her I was doing well, or fine, or whatever recording I have on today with a smile and she, surprisingly mind you because she never speaks to me or says anything to me unless she needs something, she says "I bet you have to answer that question a lot everyday, even when you are grumpy and have to lie, huh?" I didn't answer - she was already in the elevator.
It's true. Even when I have a weekend like the one I just had. Friday was pretty low key, I got home and was getting my jammies on and then the cat got sick and didn't get better. Not at all. The vet recommended I put her to sleep. I relied on his experience and did not protest. He told me what the other option was, performing the equivalent of dialysis on a daily basis, for however long it might take until she passes. Then I remembered a guy in the lobby of the vet clinic earlier in that morning. He came in to buy food for their dog he and his wife call "the living dead." He continued on by explaining that the dog had been diagnosed with cancer two years ago, but was still alive, albeit thin and not very active, and so the nickname followed. He sounded like he was trying to say "Look, it's not my choice to keep this dog around, I wanted to put him out of his misery years ago, but my wife won't let me." Okay, Buddy, whatever you say.
How do people do that? How do they live with themselves when the animal that has been there for them for the length of it's life is ready to move on and they won't allow him to? I was not equipped nor did I have any desire to turn my house into Kitty Hospice. I stayed with the Kitty for the whole thing. When we were waiting for them to bring in the needle, I thanked her and hugged and kissed her and told her she was the best Kitty Puss Puss ever and I was so lucky to have had the pleasure of having her in my life and taking care of her. I apologized for any pain I caused her and for all the times I called her a little shit when she wouldn't let me brush her (she was a fabulous white and silver Persian).
I went home after that and put all her stuff away. I felt guilty and worried and had to remind myself that I was not going to forget her, I just had to put her things away so that I would not be so very very sad knowing she was not going to be using them everyday. I still look at those spots and feel sad, though.
A little while after that, my friend sent me a text that their new baby boy had arrived. I got an email notification as well. I could not bring myself to go to the hospital that day. That day had to the be the day that I said goodbye to the Kitty Puss Puss. I made myself something to eat because it was already one in the afternoon and I had taken the Kitty in at eight that morning so I was pretty hungry. Then I made some phone calls to let the people that were closest to me know what had happened. I watched the movies I had rented, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Broken Embraces (Los Abrazos Rotos). I made it to Blockbuster just in time to return them to the super cute guy that I rented them from.
The next day was better, got up, showered, and had some breakfast. I got myself to the hospital to greet the new boy baby to the world and was able to celebrate his very first day on earth (and learn a whole lot from the Lactation Consultant that happened to be there when I arrived). There is something so wonderful and perfect about holding a baby. All the love and divine energy that surrounds them is overwhelming in a good way. The hope and joy, the promise and gratitude that come with that little tiny person all swaddled in a blanket with hot pink, bright blue and chartreuse dinosaurs all over it. It really is an honor to be so close to the light as that.
After my friend told me about her day of giving birth and she asked me what I had done the day before I told her. We thought is was kind of strange that the boy showed up so soon after the Kitty left. I guess if he stars sleeping sixteen hours a day and really really enjoys salmon sushi, she can always put in a helpdesk ticket to Nature Board and see what happens.

The New Story

I am happy to report to you, my six followers and whoever else out there who might be reading that my therapy has ended, for now, with the ability to call if I need to. The telltale sign that let me and my therapist to make the choice was the incredible feat of self-preservation that I took on my work anniversary.
Picture this...a sunny morning in March, I arrive at my desk to find the two golden balloons that represent the two years that I have devoted to being the Boss of the Lobby. Congratualations, right? No, actually, no. What about my first year here? I was here for eleven months before I got hired on. Eleven months, people! That is almost a year with no paid vacation and no health insurance and having to work with one of the craziest bitches I have ever met in my life just to get my foot in the door. I did it happily. I loved coming here and was happy to have a job with a steady paycheck that I enjoyed. It wasn't a difficult job, there were projects to work on for different departments, new people to meet, a parade of handsome gentlemen to check out. Still, though, there is something weird about not acknowledging a whole year of one's life, don't you think? All I could think of all day was people saying "Oh! Happy Anniversary! Two years? Wow!" and I would be all "Actually, it's been more like three" and get all pissy and resentful. So, I nipped it in the bud. I popped the balloons and the sound reverberated loudly all through the lobby and through my soul, breaking through the tension and saving me a whole day of growing resentment and anger. THAT, my friends, is theraputic.

The Story.

In between five to ten second conversations with whoever is going through the lobby, playing on the timesuck that is facebook and watching tidbits of family guy while I laugh to myself like a crazy person; there are moments when I look out the window and have deep thoughts. Thoughts about life, the meaning thereof, and how to be a better person while I am here on earth being the boss of the lobby.

After a rough couple of years in my personal life including losing my Mom to cancer, having two huge fights and breaking up with two very close friends that I had known for over ten years, financial issues, burnout, weight gain, and no love life, I decided that maybe therapy was a good choice. Due to the financial issues, I decided to take the money I had been using for my yoga classes and put that towards therapy for however many sessions it took to get me back on track, get me happy and moving forward in my life again. It has been a little over four months now and last night's report, even after a pretty rough day, what that I was doing just fine. So that's good...
What is going through my mind these days, when I stare out the window at the snowy day and contemplate my life in this snow globe moment, is keeping the balance between all the things I learned in yoga and therapy. They appear to me to be two completely different ways of living a life. In therapy, I report what has happened, I keep a journal of my dreams and of course, listen to what the therapist has to say or sometimes just cry or figure stuff out, you know, depending on the day - sometimes I even do all of those things. Because the goal of therapy, especially according to Jung is individuation.

"Individuation is a process of transformation whereby the personal and collective unconscious is brought into consciousness (by means of dreams, active imagination or free association to take some examples) to be assimilated into the whole personality. It is a completely natural process necessary for the integration of the psyche to take place. Individuation has a holistic healing effect on the person, both mentally and physically. Besides achieving physical and mental health, people who have advanced towards individuation tend to be harmonious, mature and responsible. They embody humane values such as freedom and justice and have a good understanding about the workings of human nature and the universe."

Yoga takes a different approach. It's about going in, going deep, but with your heart and your breathing, not with your brain. The moments in those poses that are the most difficult are the times when "we must remember that we are not our bodies, we are spiritual beings in a human form" we are told to resist the temptation to give in to the ego, to the story. Of course, this is the time when the inner monologue, for better or worse, is turned up to "11". The tape that has recorded all the "I'm no good at this, I'm too fat for this, that girl is SO SKINNY, that girl is SUCH A BITCH, HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?, what am I going to eat for dinner? Should I even eat dinner? When the hell is this pose going to end?" with practice, our yoga teaches us to let go, release ourselves to the pose, surrender the story to the science of pigeon or warrior or even savasana and turn the dial down to a good 5 or even 3 and sometimes, when you least expect it and when you really aren't trying, it turns off. These moments are few and far between, but it is these moments that you learn to strive for when you are balanced in tree, or holding onto your leg in dancer's pose.

Since it's been a week from when I began this entry until now, I have had time to contemplate a third option. As you can see from earlier entries, I made a commitment to volunteering when I began this writing process. I have since been to the food bank at least once a month since I started this blog and it has been great for me. The reason I wanted to volunteer was because I knew it would get me out of the house, out of my head, and thinking about people other than myself'; being grateful is a huge windshield wiper for your brain when it's clouded by self-pity. I had the time, the energy and the willingness to do so and it was about time since the last time I did it was probably sometime in high school (not counting all of my theatre work, that was more like a labor of love). Last week, I decided to go to the Chabad website, just out of curiosity to see what Judaism has to say about the 'ego' and true to form, the directions were to do a mitzvah. A divine command as communicated in the Torah. Doing a good deed takes us outside of ourselves and reminds us that we are here for one purpose and one purpose only, to be of service, to G.d and to our fellow humans, not for some great reward in the afterlife, but to make the world a better place now, while we are here.

it's not you, it's me.

I have a good friend at work, she is my stop. That one person you can go to when the day is just crappy and you know they will not only understand, but will help you reframe your problem so it doesn't seem like a problem anymore, but something you can actually handle. She has been having some boundary issues with a co-worker, he doesn't seem to understand them, and it has been getting worse as the time has passed, as problems are wont to do, in an effort to be solved, I suppose.
So she came downstairs and we talked it out. I told her she may just have to tell him to leave her alone. I came up with a couple different options of things to do or say, we went a little off the handle, ahhhh comic relief.
1. No thank you.
2. Listen, I like to go downstairs by myself, I'm sure you understand, just need a moment to be alone.
3. I'm going to have some girl time with the boss of the lobby, no boys allowed.
4. I need to call my hubby, talk to you next time.
5. No, you smell funny.
6. Look, stop following me.
7. Ignore him when he follows you outside. Just ignore him. (this one worked, by the way, but he stuck around to listen to our conversation - not totally effective).
8. No! Punch to the head No! Kick in the groin No! Poke eyes out No! Rabbit punch
9. Take the urn at the end of her desk, bring it down on his head as hard as you can, and then say "Anyone else want to come out for a cigarrette with me?"
10. Bite me.

Although some of these choices are quite violent and also absurd, there is something to be said for following your imagination as far as it will go. Especially for folks like us who have a hard time saying no and wanting to be nice to others even to the point of our discomfort/resentment. The fact of the matter is, they obviously don't get the hint and they don't care about our feelings, so we need to watch out for ourselves. That is what these tests are for. If we were guys, it would simply be a matter of saying something gross or insulting the other man's manlyhood and the guy would just go away. Maybe that would be another option? How is saying something like that any less annoying than the person you dislike following you everywhere?

it's okay to be miserable, even if Haiti happens.

This morning I had a bit of a freak out on the phone with my dear friend that I haven't spoken to in a few weeks. I started the morning in a good mood, then took too personally someone who was rude so that put me in a bad mood, then I laughed with someone so I was in a good mood again. Then that group of kids came in from the marketing company and I was in a bad mood again (because I know they are 10 years younger than me, have a fraction of the experience and personality and are making probably 10 times more than me - that's my story, I'm sticking to it, just for now, though). Up and down, up and down, it is a beautiful day and for someone who has taken as much yoga as I have, I am really letting these crazy emotions get the better of me.

My life is flashing before my eyes. I see people around me working and going and doing. I am having a bit of a crisis. I vascillate between everything is fine, you have a house, a job, a kitty and clothes on your back, food in your fridge plus did you see what was happening in Haiti? and this job has served its purpose, it's time to move on, what's next? What do I do for the rest of my life? How will I ever support myself? Wat the hell am I still doing here? Why does it seem like everyone else around me has their shit together and I'm the only one going crazy with this existential crisis? Why do I compare myself to everyone? Why is it that when I see so very many possiblities, I just shut down instead of running head first into the great wide open? Am I scared? What could I possibly be scared of? The thing that scared me the most already happened.

I do a bit of research here and there, see more possibilites and get excited, but then nothing happens and so I tell myself it's not meant to be and give up again and again. Lauren Hutton was on Project Runway last night and her parting words to the models were "Just remember to work four times as hard as everyone else and you will make it!!" I dramatically fell back on my couch and exclaimed to my friend "Really??? FOUR TIMES? But I'm already sooooooo tired" and my friend, very busy mother of two said "Oh man, forget that noise." Then we laughed...

My friend on the phone is talking me down, I call it "petting the kitty" like you would do at the vet when it's about to get shots. She assured me that I don't have to make any rash decisions right now because I do have a job and I'm doing just fine, really. She assured me that I am loved and cared for and being cheered on by a team of fabulous and wonderful cheerleaders that include her and her girlfriend and the Universe. It's a matter of researching a bit at a time, a matter of listening to that still, small voice deep inside of you that quietly and calmly tells you the direction to point your sails. Pull back, try to see what is in front of you instead of standing and seeing the big picture. Patience is the key and no, you do not run the show, but you do have a very important part and it will reveal itself as the time passes. So don't get discouraged, don't fret and things will be just fine. You will be good at whatever you decide to do, once your energy is focused on the pinpoint of light you are to follow. You have indicated to the Universe that you are ready, the Universe is knitting you a sweater, sweaters take time to knit. Also, it's okay to be miserable, even though there are terrible things in the world, like what happened in Haiti, you have to keep things in perspective, my dear. I love you.

The marketing kids leave the building and I take a deep breath. Some guy comes down the stairs to interview a candidate, people start leaving in groups to go to lunch and the day continues just like every other day. I thank my friend profusely for talking me down from the proverbial ledge (the second one this morning, someone else talked me down earlier) and we made plans to have brunch on Sunday. Everything is going to be okay. These things take time.

free the giraffes.

Sunday night I had so many dreams and they were all mashed up like some crazy movie sequence where the drug addict is going through detox. The one part that really sticks out in my mind was the first lucid sequence where I was a zoo keeper in Haiti and I had to figure out how to save the animals and get them transported to another zoo. Absolute chaos surrounded me and all I could think of was, where is the tiger? Where are the elephants? Are they okay? How are we going to get them to another zoo? I wonder if it will be cleared up in dreamland tonight...


I found out in therapy last night that what I thought was an unreasonable dislike towards blondes in SUVs is actually not unprecedented. The discussion began because of a new friend at work and my suspicions of her wanting to be friends with me. The story I made up is that she is the captain of the cheerleading squad, I am a drama geek. Maybe I have been watching too much Glee? If you are an adult working in an office with men and women and there are more than 20 0f you, there is a good chance that the high school vibe will permeate at some point, right? I mean, it's just natural for groups to form and people to find their groups and stick to them. It's also easier for me to categorize people and remember them by the groups they are in. sales = cheerleaders/football team, developers = chess club, hr/accounting/tech = principal, administration, school nurse and so on. I made her a cheerleader. I already had some harbored anger towards blonde women driving SUVs and who else would that cheerleader be all grown up and so the distrust carries over. The story is that they have perfect lives with perfect children and husbands where all they have to do is cart the kiddies back and forth in their weekend warrior mobiles all the while making hair/facial/nail appointments (which is why they are on the phone every single time I see them) after working out with hot personal trainers for two hours everyday. Whether I am being courageous or obvious about my deep seeded jealousy for these fellow sisters, I do not know.

So I have dinner with her, I hang out with her and it turns out that we have so much more in common than I thought. We have both been through some pretty tough times these past few years. She is a real person with real problems and has been screwed over and hurt just as much as the next gal. Which is not to say that if she were the aforementioned lady that I would not be friends with her (or that she doesn't have a set of problems of her own) it's just that I wouldn't have a good chance of running into her all that often - okay, maybe at the salon. Then it occurred to me that maybe she wants to be friends with me because I am gorgeous, thin, smart and blonde, too! Okay, maybe I'm not, but obviously we are not in high school, I am a cool lady, and when it comes down to it, there are not a lot of women where I work, she is new, and she just wants someone to hang out with that will not a) hit on her and 2) be accepting and real - I can do that. I'm a pro. So the categories fade and the suspicion dissipates and then it just becomes to fabulous ladies, having some wine, talking about work and trying to get along in this big old world...

Organize Your Closet, Organize Your Life

Here is a speech I wrote for my Toastmaster's meeting today....

Good afternoon, everyone!

How many of you made a resolution in some form or another to “get organized” this year?

You will be happy to know that you are not alone. I googled the word “closet” and received about 45,500,000 results. The National Association of Professional Organizers deemed January National Get Organized Month and you can bet your Jimmy Choos that they are at your service should you need someone to come in and get your house in order for the year ahead.

When I signed up for this speech, I thought to myself “Perfect! I love to organize things!” I even wanted to join the National Association of Professional Organizers when I was between jobs at one point in my life. I have read books on Feng Shui and designed my living space according to those principals. Perhaps my interpretation is a bit too literal, and some of you may be wondering if I have been in secret contact with your spouses and or Mother’s over the holidays, but I think there is something to be said for the time and energy that can be conserved if you have a system in place in one of the most important, yet often neglected areas of the home.

Now some of you may make a case for the garage (leave it, it’s been 20 years, just sell it all when you sell the house) or the spare bedroom (forget it, they aren’t coming back to visit until Christmas, anyway) but I think the place to start is your very own closet in your very own room. This can be quite an overwhelming task, especially for those of you who have a spouse and/or kids that you share your house with. Perhaps you are single, but have been collecting things since Jr. High.

When you take the time to eliminate, categorize and streamline your things, you will find that you save time and money. There will be more space in your closet so that you can actually see what you own and maybe even find and use things you didn’t remember buying. When you are ready to shop, you can see what it is you are actually missing and spend less time at the store and less money buying things you don’t need because you will know exactly what you have already.

The first step is elimination. One of my favorite tips is to have a big shopping bag in your closet so that when you try something on and it doesn’t fit or is torn or just plain out of style, you can put it in the bag. Once all the bags are together at the end of the year or season, go through and determine what can be donated, what can be recycled and what needs to be thrown out.

Remember in kindergarten when everything was labeled and had its place? Try to think like that. Put like things together in groups by color or fabric or length or all three (like me!) You could arrange your clothes by material since Austin has two seasons HOT and fall. Be as specific or general as you like, but remember that the more organic and basic the setup, the easier it will be to maintain (especially for kiddos).

As far as streamlining goes, take a step back and think about how you like to get dressed in the morning. This will help you determine how you set up your closet. From shirts to shoes or vice versa, place the items in your closet next to each other in that order so that getting dressed is a breeze. Kids generally love to dress themselves and this will enable them to have their own setup and do their own thing in the morning while you do yours. Think how much easier it will be if you wash all the like items together then when they come out of the dryer, all you have to do is hang them up and put them in their sections.

If you make the effort, whether it is a weekend closet overhaul or a goal for 2010 – 2019, you will find that the time and energy you put into this space will be well worth it. Once you have eliminated the old and unfashionable, organized and streamlined what is left in your closet, you will find that tackling that garage or spare bedroom is not as difficult as you thought it might be. Then there will be space in your mind and your life for more good things to come.

Thank you!

Happy New Year, Indeed!

I'm in a head cold state of mind, the Allegra is kind of working, the shower was hot, then it was cold, and all I can think of now is that I have to call the service guys to come out again next week to look at it. Ah, home ownership. I am so delighted to have such a lovely place to call home, and I gotta tell you, peeps, sometimes, when the car seat breaks and the water heater is not heating and you know you are going to have to spend at least two grand to get them back to where they were, it's times like these that I would not mind selling everything and moving to India.


I feel like I have to confess. I feel like I have to say something to make my previous posts not sound so whiny and ungrateful; but at the minute I think I want to erase them, I realize that that would be going against the point of the blog in the first place. This is a thought repository. We all know that thoughts and especially feelings (or is it feelings and especially thoughts?) are fleeting at best. These things that I decide to write and publish, they are how I am feeling in the moment. I am trying to be as honest as I can without hurting any one's feelings, but you know what I realized again today? I have no control over that. I can only do my best to edit these things to have them make sense, and goodness knows that by writing I hope to come to some conclusion on all of this wonderful crazy ass thing we call life, but in the end, it's just a blog on the Internet machine. Hopefully one that will be picked up by HBO for a new show, my friend has already cast actress Rosie Perez to play me and I have cast Laura San Giacomo to play her and Mahogany Jones to play, well, Mahogany Jones.

I have been struggling with my ability to say no and especially the guilt that I mentally rack myself with when I do. What the hell? Saying you can't go to dinner or lunch or whatever because you do not feel well is not a federal crime punishable by law. It's not like I'm denying someone a kidney, I just don't feel well and don't want to go. Or even if I was feeling better, why would I make myself feel awful for changing my mind? What is this neurosis? What is it called when you think something so minimal matters so much and what is the Catholic guilt drama complex that follows all about? Hmmmm...is that just being human or do I have a special thing going on? Why do I care? Why do I feel that these choices are such a detriment to my integrity and why am I taking myself so freaking seriously? WTF?

I have been thinking a lot about my career (again, there is some guilt there-the voice of my inner taskmaster dictates "do better, be better, do more, make more") and have been asking around to friends what they think I would be good at. I have gotten some great responses and have been moving forward with small steps to make some big things happen. I sometimes feel guilty looking for a job in this economy - as if someone out there were to say "Hey lady, you have a job, let the rest of us get a job first and then you can worry about being happy in your eight to five, huh?" But who is to say that by staying where I am, I am not preventing someone from having the opportunity to move forward in their lives? Perhaps by making an effort to market my inherent skills, I can organically migrate in a new direction and become more and more the woman I want to be a la famous and fabulous clothing designer Dianevon Furstenberg:

"I didn't really know what I wanted to do, but I knew the woman I wanted to become. Fashion was absolutely an accident in my life as a result of that I was becoming independent and I was becoming more and more the woman I wanted to become."

I will explore my options and be patient. I will keep my eyes peeled for that happy accident, that sign, that smoke signal from Mt. Olympus. If all of that doesn't work, then I am going to stick to the best advice I have ever gotten - live your way into the answer...

Resolutions...

Last night I had one of those dreams that you could only have at the end of the year. I was called into an office where this woman was sitting behind a desk. Her hair was all grown out long and she held out her arm as if to say "have a seat" so I did. I thought I was going in for a Reiki appointment; but it turns out I was, for lack of a better term, at an exit interview. We went over the past year and what had happened and why we lost touch, then a friend who I had a falling out with the year before came to pick me up for dinner! What the hell? Leave me alone already. This is one of those times that I wonder if I'm the one with the problem letting go or is it them? Am I being pulled on psychically or are they pulling me? Is it possible that on some other level, some alternate universe, we are still friends and hanging out all the time?

I awoke at my normal time, five freaking minutes before my alarm goes off, only to lie in the bed for a few more snoozes. Today at work is quiet and lovely. It was so nice to have those four days off. I went to a very merry poker Christmas party on Christmas Eve where everyone loved the appetizer I brought - herb coated goat cheese and home made crostini (and I loved them for loving it) and I flirted with a boy who took me waaay too seriously (if you can imagine that). Christmas Day I hung out with a few lesbian friends of mine, two of them are in a couple. The other one is not. I wonder if people think I am with her when we are out. I try not to think about it or give a shit; but it does cross my mind. Especially when people are staring at the other two making out or holding hands, I kinda want to be like - hello, these are my friends, and although I am accepting of their lifestyle and would love for them to be able to get married and such, I'm not a practicing muff diver and would you please, please ask me out on a date, you handsome, handsome man.

The next day was spent walking around a beautiful outdoor mall with fancy stores and my friend with her kiddo. Sunday was all about me. I was supposed to have plans with someone from work, but we've tried so many times to get together and it hasn't worked, I'm giving up - again, why force it? If someone wants to stay in that ring of your life, there is obviously a reason and it's silly to try to reel them in if they have lead weights on their feet. If all you want to do is talk to me at work, fine, but that's it. If you don't want to go to lunch, fine, I won't ask you, if you don't want to come over, just tell me. But don't come back to me in the next week and be all "we never do anything" because you know what? I'm over it. I'm not going to beg you to be friends with me.

Everyone seems a bit more calm and relieved now (except me, now that I'm reading this ;) that Santa is back up in the North pole where he belongs. New Year's Eve is just four days away. Four days. Un-freaking believable. The thing I'm most excited about next year is the new Sex and the City movie, but, like our first official day off, does not come until May - what's a girl to do?

things i really like.

I'm about to fall asleep reading an article in Psychology Today about Procrastination (I'll finish it later ;) and the lobby is so quiet....so....quiet. The loudest thing in here is my thoughts, first my reading voice, then that voice gets tired of the article so I stare out the window and think about what I want for dinner. I realize at this point that I'm not really hungry, I'm just bored and I should probably have my snack so that I don't eat the entire contents of my fridge when I get home. I have all the ingredients for the soup I've been wanting to make and I'll be damned if I stop to get a hamburger and derail myself.

The hallway is so quiet when I go to get my snack, everyone must be really busy as it is the last full week before the end of the year. Also, I think some of the guys quit smoking because they have been going out less today. I message my friend upstairs to see if she is coming down, but no response, so I decide to have my snack at my desk. I eat my banana and my little peanut butter snack bar, think about what the scale said on Saturday, then re-focus on the wonderful banana that I am consuming. That is part of the new way of thinking. I stop for a moment before I eat to bow my head and thank everyone who produced my food from the farm to the table, then I meditate on eating. Truly enjoying the moments of chewing and swallowing and taking the time to notice how my body feels before and after I have put the nutrients in my body. This doesn't happen every time, but when I remember, I do it.

I start to think about all the things I like in this world and challenge myself to a little game. A list, alphabetically, of nouns that I find delightful. Some letters are harder than others, because the first word that comes to mind is not always something I find truly delightful - applesauce, for instance, or appliances. I like applesauce, I appreciate appliances, but I don't really enjoy them and have a hard time imagining my world without them.

A - atmosphere
B - butter
C - cats
D - dharma
E - eggs
F - fried food
G - guides
H - Henry
I - ice cream
J - jack o'lanters
K - kickboxing
L - lovemaking
M - manicures
N - nonsense
O - ocean
P - people
Q - quality control
R - restaurants
S - service
T - timing
U - understanding
V - violins
W - water
X - X-Ray
Y - yoga
Z - zucchini

the flying wallenda

i had a dream last night that i was at some kind of fair or large group gathering where i paid a lot of money (no amount was ever said) to have my turn at the trapeze. i was so excited and looking forward to it very very much. i kept trying to get in line, but there were so many people surrounding the base of the ladder that i was not able to push my way through. i saw people going on the trapeze that had not paid and had not trained with us that morning. by the time it was my turn, i looked up and all the staff people were making their way down and the trapeze was being hung up. i spoke with the man who was in charge and said that i had not had a turn and he said it was time to go. i was so angry. i told him i paid a lot of money and saw a lot of people go up that had not been there with us that day. he indicated to all the people around us and said how am i supposed to control this? the only thing i can control is when we go close and we're closing. i asked please please, i even got angry and said you are going to be so screwed. i did not get to go up there and i paid a lot and so now that i'm screwed you're gonna be screwed, too!! i made my way up the stairs angrily. i went into a little store and tried to steal something, but there was nothing there worth stealing. the blonde lady from the back came up and then did a cartwheel and went to the back. i realized that maybe she was trying to tell me she was watching me from back there and kind of daring me to take something. i left the store with my bag of tibetan flags and fabrics, i made my way back down the stairs, but my bag got pulled out of my hand and my stuff fell out, i turned around on the crowded stairs and screamed and screamed "those are my things!! my bag! that's my stuff!!! no one could hear me. i was going against the whole crowd, up the large stone stairs, screaming and crying and trying to get my stuff. then it starts to kind of rain.

next scene in the parking lot. a guy from work is there. there is a lot of flirtation, but no follow through (this is typical of our daytime routine). we are at the bar and he is getting loaded. i am not. we leave together, and have a moment where our lips almost touch and our faces are very close, but he doesn't make the move. i pull away. we go to our cars, he walks me to mine, i ask him how is he feeling? and he said "loose" and then i ask him how his....relationship is and he says "what?" and then i just say are you still going out with your girlfriend? and he says yes, she's fine. we get to my car and i realize i don't have my purse, it's either in his car or at the bar! oh shit! all the way back by the bar. i kind of panic and tell him we have to go back to get it. so we do. we check his car first and it's there. oh good.

woke up twice last night, can't help but think about Dad and wondering why my sister has not texted or called (even though i know why). wondering what i would do if he did decide to exit. hoping he did not, but going over the details in my head, nonetheless. how fucking morbid is that? what is that exercise all about? i mean down to what i would wear to the service, what i would do with the cat and my apartment, what i would do with the stuff, how would we deal with our evil aunt? Would she leave us alone finally or take this as her opportunity to just destroy what little we have left. would we invite her to the house? would we even talk to her? would we be fighting in front of the lawyers? would I tell my sister to shut the fuck up and let me listen, taking notes about all the accounts, changing my accounts because that financial planning lady is no good anymore. my mind is reeling. my soul is tired.

No pictures, please.

Today is my very own birthday. The day has just flown past me. This morning I woke up and said a prayer of thanks for arriving to this very day. Since then it's been like one of those time-lapse photography moments on a nature show. Get dressed, go to work, grab some breakfast, get a free coffee, talking with co-workers on their smoke breaks, signing for a lunch order and the next thing you know it's 11am. Then I talk to my Dad and order my subscription to Vogue. Then it's my turn to go to lunch. My friend takes me to Macaroni Grill and we get some yummy bread and pasta. The waiter knows we are in a hurry and since I have been telling everyone that it's my birthday, he brings me my cake in a to-go container with a candle in it! How sweet! Another co-worker brings me some cupcakes and yet another brings me some flour less chocolate cake (oh my freaking G.d) and cheesecake that he bought to celebrate his birthday that already passed. I am channelling cake. YAY.

Turns out going home for the holidays was not as bad as I had feared it would be. I arrived early on Thursday and my Dad picked me up from the airport. We went back to the house and just chilled out the whole day. We watched episodes of House together and I had some cereal for breakfast. Thanksgiving dinner was lovely. We walked over to our neighbor's house, someone who actually used to live just up the street from me when I was growing up, and we were made to feel like a part of their family for the holiday. It was really great. The sisters of the hostess remembered my Mom and my aunt and were just so happy to sit and share some special memories with us. There is something very special about hearing those stories, it adds to the repetoire of my memories of this very special person and reminds me that I was not the only one effected by her passing. After dinner it was time to go over to Dad's new lady-friend's house. That was a little weird, to say the least. Both my Dad and I were nervous about going over there, each for our own reasons. My sister threatened to show up, but of course we both knew she would not. We arrived and were greeted by a young man taking out the trash. Then followed him inside (it's her nephew) and were immediately immersed in new lady-friend's family. Sisters and nephews and nieces and good old Mom. She is a trip, that lady. She kept repeating herself and different stories of things that had happened. I thought about that a lot. One of the daughters said something about it later in the night and I said "I think that her remembering is really not a bad thing - I would be more worried if she didn't remember." I think that's what must happen as you get older. You want to keep remembering your life, to confirm that it really happened. To have the people around you, that wacky group of people we call family, acknowledge just how much you have all been through together. I feel like that NOW, so I can imagine what it must be like to be in your 70's or 80's. I really liked her. She thought I was a Doll! Just a Dolly! (and exclaimed so many, many times :)

I would catch my Dad and his lady-friend being a little touchy feelie and it was, to say the least uncomfortable. A part of me is thinking "Where is my Mom? Did they get divorced? Where is she? Why isn't she here?" and then I remember why we are there, and who these people are, and what happened, and my heart sinks a little bit.

They were taking lots of pictures and I just tried to avoid them. I said I didn't like pictures. What I was really thinking was "I don't want any evidence that this happened in case this whole relationship thing doesn't work out". There, I said it. Seriously, though. This is like the third or fourth person my Dad has met and gone out with since the time was time and who knows how long it will last? You've never seen Beyonce and Jay-Z in a video together, right? It's like the video kiss of death for relationships. Just don't do it.

Who's to say that they won't go out for a year and then break up? I know they are all happy and honeymooney now, but you know, that part of the relationship is bound to end at some point and they are going to have to deal with the day to day shit that everyone else around them has to deal with. Or not. Who knows. Maybe they will moon over each other for the next 20 years. I dunno. It's hard to say at this point.

The next day I spent with Dad, we went to the outlet mall and just walked around and then Saturday I got my haircut as that has been my ritual. Dad and I looked for a new towel rack for his bathroom at three places (to no avail) then it was time for me to go, so he dropped me off at the airport. He figured he'd try the last place I recommended and found it there.

My sister and I got along better than normal, but then again, she was gone most of the time. That probably helped.

the past 10 minutes.

phone rings
i recognize the number as a recording and hang up
ding
ding
ding
door opens and closes, let's go home, tell them i said it was okay - i say okay, no problem.
he goes down a hallway.
birds singing outside
door opens
guy comes downstairs, whistles, goes outside and leaves
guy walking around building
you too - lady comes down stairs, unwrapping something, eats candy goes outside,probably leaving, too.
door opens, co-worker walks through lobby, head down
phone rings, i answer call, transfer call
colleague comes out to talk about tie Tuesdays, they wear ties, they go out for Thai - tomorrow there is a plan to go to yummy Asian place, we decide we are best friends (like when you are kids) because we both like the spicy fish and eggplant with garlic - i recommend the black and white mushrooms with bok choy, ask her for a recommendation, she says she always goes with the guy so she lets him order - yeah, he knows what's good, i make up a pretend name in Chinese for black and white mushrooms with bok choy - pungchoiheyshiaoshr - she thinks I speak Chinese and is impressed. I almost let her believe it's true i go to my desk and decide to type what just happened in the past 10 minutes.

non-zen

Three days until Thanksgiving. I was on the couch last night waiting to find out who would be the Next Iron Chef and my mind wandered....What am I going to do for Thanksgiving? I'll be all alone...it will be dark...maybe I should light the fire?...It will be nice to have a few days off work... Maybe I'll just go to the grocery and get a turkey breast and some cranberry sauce and make my peas and a sweet potato at home....I'll lounge, I'll write, maybe I'll even go for a walk.....I feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere...I love my little house...Where's the kitty?....I should call so and so....at this point an image of me leaving the plane and walking towards the luggage claim at the El Paso airport enters my mind...Oh yeah, people are expecting me - somewhere....My phone beeps me back to reality and it's my sister asking me to email my itinerary "so that some1 will b there 2 pick u up. :)"

The phone rings at work and the man with the strong accent on the phone asks to be "put into" the Executive Assistant - I transfer him and giggle - I know, I know, but it makes me laugh every time. Three pizzas are delivered for a lunch meeting and I am trying not to smell them. I didn't have breakfast because I overdosed on my gingerbread trifle all weekend and just could not bring myself to eat anything this morning. I'm skipping lunch so I can leave early to pick up my friend's kid from the airport. I take the pizza up the stairs to the meeting room, set it up all nice and then the manager tells me to take some while it's still hot - I tell him I can wait until they are done - but he insists and so I go ahead and take a couple of slices. It's free pizza, people.

My left arm has been bothering me, I have a new crop of zits, I think my Auntie Flow is coming to town and I'm so uncomfortable in my skin today (What the hell? Is this puberty??). I think with the upcoming "meet my Dad's new special friend over dessert at her house" adventure coming up as well as three days with my pleasant sister, I'm bracing myself for one of those holiday gatherings I used to think only happened in movies. For the past week now, my thoughts and dreams (and posts) have vascillated between nostalgia, longing for things I don't presently have, thanking G.d for everything I do have (to try to cancel out any appearance of ungratefulness) and wondering about whether or not I ever will experience those things in my future. This past paragraph has been sponsored by the "How to avoid a peaceful mind at all costs" network of Non-zen practicing freak-out heads.

Kitchen Kvetchn

A few weeks ago, I helped a friend out at a Halloween party that, it turns out, was not even her idea and the person who's idea it was totally flaked. Being the person I am and finding it painful to watch her flapping around her own kitchen like a freaking fish out of water, I took over. I made the appetizer I promised to bring (caprese salad bites, so delish) and then ended up making the guacamole and finishing off the chili, and a valiant attempt at a creamy frothy beverage who's preparation instructions were: just keep mixing stuff until it tastes good (btw, I tried for an hour, with two kinds of booze, it didn't work - apparently someone added tequila later and said it tasted good, but I think they were probably already drunk). These are not difficult for me, but to hear her flattery you would think I saved her from a night with the guy from SAW.

I feel like when someone is at my house, they will not need for anything, I am a hostess and care about my guests comfort from the minute they walk in the door to the minute I hug them goodbye. I equate this with love. So when I go to someone's house and expect the same treatment from them, and then it turns out that the person doesn't do that, and furthermore, goads me into doing it for them because they hate to do it, well, I feel uneasy. I'm like "Motherfucker, I'm at your house, at your party, you asked me to come and bring an appetizer and be your guest, how did I end up being on the the staff?" I explained to her that I left early because I was so tired from working from the minute I got there until all her guests finally arrived. What I finally had to admit to myself (and to her) was that I was pissed that I had been taken for granted.

I understand that I place a lot of importance on food. I used to not care if I had Wendy's every night for dinner before rehearsal, or Chinese food every Sunday because I didn't want to go to the grocery. But as I have gotten older, I have grown to appreciate what it means to make something for myself. That by taking the time to make a little rice, steam a little broccoli and grill up some fish is to say to myself "Self, I love you, you are worth it to me to take this time for, this effort for." I love to make a dinner for a dear friend when they are feeling overwhelmed or just make brunch on Sunday and have a few friends visit. I love going to the grocery now and trying the sushi, I love talking to the fish guy and the butcher about what's in the case. I have a crush on one of the cheese guys at the fancy grocery store. When I stop to think about it, food is intricately connected to so many different events and adventures in my life. I forget that there are people in the world who are content to just pick up dinner on the way home, every single time. I forget that there are people in the world who don't like to eat, who don't like to eat the same things I do and who definitely don't like to cook. They see the world through a different lens.

I just don't understand them. My Mom was an amazing cook, baker and hostess. She was happy and warm and all of her food tasted like it was made with a bunch of love. It would be quite an accomplishment to be half the lady she was in the kitchen. She was organized, efficient, clean and F.U.N. I loved to come home and help her with the final preparations of our big holiday family meals (when she would let me or if there was even anything left to do). My memories around the holidays (and her friends all say the same) was of my Mom on the phone with her girlfriends, cooking, talking about cooking, sharing recipes, trying new ones, who's' doing this, how are their kids, and so on. I would sit and watch and listen and eventually was put to work either making the whipped cream for her fabulous pumpkin pie or slicing the brisket for dinner at Rosh Hashanah, sometimes just filling the glasses with ice, but I was part of it. We were one of those families that had dinner together all the time - NO TV. The kitchen was where everyone ended up in my house, didn't matter which holiday or who was over, even if it was just me and her, we seemed to always gravitate to the kitchen.

As the second Thanksgiving without my Mom approaches these memories become just a touch more poignant. I will be going back to my hometown for the holidays. My Dad, Sister and I have been invited to a family friend's house. I didn't go back last year, just couldn't do it, didn't make the plans, didn't buy the ticket, so this will be our first time doing this together, without her, not even in our own house. It's not like my Sister or I are married with kids where we could create our own new traditions amongst ourselves. I mean, we could do it at our house but did you read my previous post? I'm flying in Thursday morning, I know there will be drama, and I know that my Mom and I will not be watching the Macy's parade all cuddled together and take breaks for pie (to "even out the edges"). It just breaks my heart a little bit each time I think about it....

Mean Girls.

My sister and I have a strained relationship at best. She thinks I'm too loud and talk too much and I agree with her, but still think she's louder and talks much more. When people ask us who is older I tell them to guess, they always think it's her because she is much more INTENSE. I usually say I'm the more charming and funny one (although she is charming and funny in her own way...her very own, special way).

My sister 'loves' to call me at my work, a very cacophonous lobby area, where her yelling not only pierces my sensibilities and eardrums, but also manages to fill up the whole space with anger and negativity.

This morning's session was about my Dad's new special friend. Since our Mom passed over a year and a half ago, my Dad made a new friend (one my Sister encouraged him to date, thankyouverymuch). Now she is refusing to go to her house for dessert on Thanksgiving. I know it's freaky and weird and I don't want to go either. The thought of my Dad with anyone but my Mom is just well, freaky and weird. I think it's too soon. But, my Dad is happy and likes her a lot and you know what? It's not about me. I try to relate this information to my sister in the best, most caring "big sister voice" I can muster, but to no avail. She continues to lather herself up, becoming more and more upset each time I try to snap her out of it.

I say that I think of it as an opportunity for us to get to know her better and see the person that our Dad has been spending so much time with. She does not agree. She says she knows her already and even though she told him to date her, even though she says she's happy he's dating and out of the house and even though she thinks she's a nice lady - she just doesn't like her. WHAT THE WHAT?. So now it's dance time. This is the part where I'm supposed to listen to her freak out and scream and sometimes cry, not listen to a word I have to say all the while I'm trying to figure out what the hell is making her so upset when she doesn't even know (actually, I think this may have started with "hello"). I danced a couple of steps and then I told her "I'm done with this conversation" and I hung up. I took a deep breath, lowered my shoulders, breathe again, smile, send love and white light.

Her: Cant even talk bc u habg up as soon as u dont like what u hear u need 2 wake up 2 the reality of it all i live her n i c it everyday
Me: I hung up because I don't like it when you scream at me.
Her: U want reasons n explanation n i have 2 talk over u to get them bc u dont let me talk

First of all, how can you take anyone seriously when they are arguing with you in freaking Prince language? Second, she said herself that she was not able to explain why she was upset, or why she was protesting so much. She just kept saying over and over "I just don't want to go" and "I don't know why I don't like her, I just have a feeling" She mentioned that she already KNOWS her, because of having her as a teacher in the past and babysitting her kids, she is not willing to sit and talk to this person like a normal human being for an hour. She also brought up some old shit about my Dad, had a Freudian slip about being judgemental and then something else. See, I listen.

Why does she wait to call me after she's so pissed she can't even think straight? Or is she just always this pissed? Sometimes it feels like she's a two year old and doesn't know why she's frustrated and I have to be the one to say - Are you hungry, do you need to potty or sleep? But she doesn't like any of those choices so then I'm at a loss and she's still pissed. Frankly, aren't we a little too old for this shit? I mean REALLY.